Washington, D.C. - The recent riots over the death of George Floyd at the hands of the Minnesota Police have shown the world exactly how protesting gets done in the 2020s, and one group of advocates is pushing for the Martin Luther King Memorial in D.C. to be updated, to show this new style of passionate civil disobedience.
"We want the statue of MLK to be brought up to date," decried Washington James, the unofficial head of a movement that likes to hang out around the statue on the weekends. "We want them to put a television under one of MLK's arms. Or at least a pair of sneakers! Maybe some of those hard-to-get, limited addition Air Jordans that cost like $1000 on EBay and shit," James added. "MLK would have loved those."
"Yeah," piped in Chameille Gaston. "He needs to look more like modern-day protesters, for real. You know MLK was a bad ass, right? I mean, if he were alive today, for sure he'd be grabbing a TV from Best Buy and a pair of Jordans from the Nike store."
Others we interviewed at the statue site weren't so sure the godfather of the revolution would have stooped to the level of the smash-and-grab looters found at most of today's protest rallies. "I'm not sure if we would have this statue and a holiday for the man, if he was marching on Selma with a toaster oven and a pair of jeans under his arm," questioned Dwight Cunningham, wearing a Black Lives Matter T-shirt, and who had driven from Ohio with his wife to take part in the marches around the White House. "I mean, maybe he would have thrown a molotov cocktail through a store window, or started a dumpster fire or something, but robbin' a store seems a little out of his character, don't you think?" Cunningham pondered.
With the crowd around the statue divided on the issue, most of the folks in opposition to any changes in the MLK Memorial admitted that they would be okay if there was a plaque that explained that the TV under King's arm was given to him by another protester, who wanted the civil rights leader to have it as a present for his efforts. "Yeah, I guess I'd be okay with that," surmised our visitors from Ohio. "I mean, I know MLK really liked to watch Saturday morning cartoons and old western movies, so he might take an extra TV for his man cave, if someone just handed it to him and didn't tell the man exactly where it came from, I guess."
With that, a petition was started on some Starbucks napkins, as many of the people gathered around Mr. James, the leader of the new movement, to bring an icon into current times.
But now a new argument was breaking out of the pack. Should it be a modern flat-screen TV chiseled under MLK's arm, or an older model with rabbit ears and shit? "I guess you'll have to come visit D.C. to find out!" chortled an excited Mr. James, passing the Sharpie for the next signature.
With that,we were off to cover a more pressing topic: Ivanka's new handbag, spotted at her daddy's latest photo op during the riots. Fahionistas say it will be all the rage soon. Stay tuned!