Banks to Customers: The Secret to Enduring the Coronavirus Pandemic is to Borrow More Money...Do Your Part!

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Sunday, 3 May 2020

image for Banks to Customers: The Secret to Enduring the Coronavirus Pandemic is to Borrow More Money...Do Your Part!

(Cincinnati, OH) Here in the US city with the largest concentration of banks per capita, bankers joined Governor Mike DeWine in the much-anticipated “Reopening of Ohio” by offering special loans and other incentives to what would traditionally be considered high-risk borrowers in the spirit of, “...getting the economy moving again,” by encouraging the movement of money through the consumer system.

The state’s current restrictions will be lifted in three phases, starting this week. Banks eagerly provided us a glimpse of upcoming marketing campaigns that they will employ in the first phase.

From Eagle Soaring Over American Flag Credit Union, “You may only have a paltry two-car garage at your house, so the idea of getting a third car may not make sense. In these times of uncertainty, the opposite is true! Think about how you spent the last two months in lock-down...was there enough space for you to escape to isolation? Could you get away from the endless hours of your children with the attention spans of . . . well, children? How about your wife nagging you about tackling the 'honey do' list while you would rather be on the couch with a beer enjoying replays on the NFL channel of every Superbowl ever broadcast? With the virus set to return this fall, you need to set your sights on what will really get you through the next quarantine - a third car, truck, SUV, or better yet, a minivan can offer the refuge you need! Think of it as an instant room addition to your home with a built-in stereo, DVD player, and any number of other life sustaining options including WIFI, so you can stream those games, or simply relax to Teen Steam via your free subscription to Pornhub. Some vehicles even come with built-in coolers, so a Bud Light is always within reach!”

From local lender American Freedom Bank: “We understand that months of isolation have made you realize that your HDMI TV in the family room with Picture in Picture is so 90s. You’re not a caveman! When you return to work, take that risk to borrow the money needed to turn the garage into your own personal space! We are here to offer low-interest loans on the latest in 80-inch 4K curved screen technology, so you can watch Honey Boo Boo pretend to snort a line of cocaine or make every hair on Joe Exotic’s bleached mullet tingle you larger than life. Everything you watch can reach out to you on a wall-to-wall screen of jaw-dropping brilliance in your man-cave! Act now and we will throw in a not-really-obsolete Dolby 5.1 surround system with massive 3” speakers at no cost...just as a way of saying ‘thank you’ for your trust and continued support of us encouraging Congress to roll back the Dodd-Frank Act, even though you have no clue what that is!”

Bucket List travel ideas also received attention from the banks, with special rates for pre-booking cruises, who have assured they will soon be open and safer before for you to book that dream trip to an exotic destination like St. Thomas, and gorge on all of the fried shrimp served under a heat lamp you can eat! Or, book that once-in-a-lifetime airline flight to Santorini or other far away destinations, where you can still find a McDonald’s when you’re homesick. Borrow, and book now, so you don’t have to spend more later when air travel is possibly considered somewhat safe again! And don’t forget about America’s most popular theme parks - the perfect way to buy your children's love back after using them as leverage in your recent, bitter divorce. Your kids will forever remember you as their favorite parent when you spring for a Snow White matching gold and blue Gucci-designed face mask! Don’t worry, we’ve been told the seven dwarves are now six, because they got rid of Sneezy!”

These last few months of economic stagnation have left many without job income and forced to make incredible sacrifices just to survive. America’s banks have also suffered but are ready to get the country back on its feet helping the middle class be successful - by borrowing money to supplement their meager wages to make ends meet. Remember, signing for a bank loan is like getting a nice, warm bear hug of cash!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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