Though the current pandemic is undeniably a horrible killer that does not play favorites, many social and cultural groups are beginning to benefit from what were once hurtful stereotypes. We compiled a list of these obtained from numerous conversations and inspiration found in observing the country’s human condition.
Asians feel more at home, as they have always worn masks, and understand 6-foot distancing from years of selfie stick use.
Italians will not have to worry about being understood through a face mask, as they have always used their hands to talk.
The French will feel better about judging you on your naive choice of mask brand, color, material, and proper wear; yet will instantly surrender theirs if you ask in a strong, authoritative voice.
Appalachian Hillbillies will not have to worry about purchasing masks, since they have been used for decades when cooking meth.
Deep South Bubbas will find yet another place to display the Confederate flag for “History, not hatred!”
Old, rich WASP men are a group that will see no change, as they have always been selfish, pompous dicks.
African American men will happily still be racially profiled when walking in suburban neighborhoods, or come to think of it, pretty much anywhere.
Suburban middle-aged white women will, at least, try not to call the police when they see a black man wearing a mask, but likely still will.
“Patriotic” football fans, realizing there is no season, will find no reason to bitch about a player taking a knee.
Hispanics are now happy Trump was harder on immigration, and openly welcome ICE helping them get back to a safer environment.
The unemployed suddenly have millions of new friends who are also sitting around and waiting for “a management position” or have taken time off to “find myself.”
Baltimore Orioles fans can now feel good that they won’t suffer a full 162-game season of embarrassment from players they don't even recognize.
Men with man-buns, once made fun of, now revel in the ability to have another thing to hang a mask on, and keep it in place.
Women with cleft chins, once considered a masculine trait, no longer have to worry about dating, as they are covered up.
Racist white men with hair lips know there are no more distractions from listeners feeling uncomfortable about what they are ranting about in the line at the post office.
Apple, unfortunately, will still believe facial ID recognition to unlock their devices is a better option than the widely-accepted use of fingerprints.
Everybody who sees an interview with Bill Gates on The Daily Show can fib that they saw his TED talk three years ago and knew the pandemic was coming.
Since no one is driving, the streets are empty, and women no longer need to embarrassingly try to parallel park.
Girls and nerds are free from embarrassment in being picked last in sports participation.
The Irish are happy that getting drunk at home before 10:00 in the morning is the accepted norm.
“Free Market” pundits can now openly admit that Socialism is sometimes a good thing.
Really bad bowlers are happy they are no longer pressured to join the company league, as no lane is going to open ever again with all the fingers in the holes and sharing of shoes.
The Ku Klux Klan can openly mingle with society, because hey, that is just a mask in compliance with CDC guidelines.
Jewish women have more to kvetch about than the gefilte fish tasting “a bit off” at Wexler's Deli.
Contributors to The Spoof find they have a wealth of things to write about, even though most of their output is obvious pokes at Trump, the pandemic, and revising and resubmitting the same old dreck they used to write about.