MANHATTAN – An officer with the NYPD has just made a discovery that will certainly have a huge effect on a lot of highly influential men.
Officer Daphne Andruzzi said that a homeless man showed her a diary that he found in a dumpster.
Upon inspecting the diary, the officer noted that it was the personal diary of Jeffrey Epstein.
The diary was taken down to the precinct headquarters, where it was further examined by the department's head of books, diaries, and CDs.
After running several DNA tests, it was established that the diary is 100% authentic, and does in fact belong to the late Jeffrey Epstein.
Due to the extremely explosive nature of this diary, it is now sitting in a vault at the Lower Manhattan Continental Army Bank.
An unnamed source said that the diary contained hundreds of names of well-known, highly-influential individuals with initials such as BC, AD, JJ, PA, DJT, and fourteen members of the now defunct Pittsburgh Pythons semi-pro football team.
A high-ranking bank official with the LMCAB informed The New York World Register newspaper that the bank has already received seven offers from unnamed individuals who are representing extremely concerned unnamed individuals about purchasing the diary which is filled with acts of perversion.
One of the purchasing agents who said that he was representing a very well-known ex-college wrestling coach reportedly made an offer of $7.3 million (in cash) for the hot diary.