From Reconstruction to Deconstruction (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Friday, 6 March 2020

image for From Reconstruction to Deconstruction (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

From Reconstruction to Deconstruction

I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's where the fun is.

The One and Only Donald J. Trump
(I had to do that ‘cause the quote was really short.)

Now Available on Amazon

Okay, in order to have the big ending for this book, which every book should have, ‘cause if you’re going to have an ending you might as well have a big, beautiful ending, right, we’re going to have to go back to the beginning, which is where this book really began the whole time – at the end, I mean. You know, I was heading toward the end, but it was all kind of in the beginning anyway. What I mean is, this book is just like the political agenda we set out to do. We wanted to go backwards in order to go forward, see? It’s just like I was just telling you. We have to fix history, so, in order to fix history, we have to go back in time somehow, just like now I have to review a few things. For instance, we’ve established a few things. One, The Wizard of Oz is a great friggen’ movie that pretty much explains America in one of those weird, tree-hugger, Libtard ways. You know how, in English class, the teacher would read you a poem about a tree, just a plain old tree, and all of a sudden the tree is this symbol of God or something, and you’re just sitting there like, “It’s a tree. A friggen’ tree. They grow fruit. You cut them down and you make stuff out of them. That’s it – a tree, not a symbol.”

That brings me to my next point – that education is dumb, and schools are really boring. We talked about how all these people want to read these old pieces of paper and say, “This is how we run the country, blah, blah, blah,” when the thing is like hundreds of centuries old and really doesn’t mean anything to us today in the good old U.S. of A. Science – dumb. Eggheads – useless. The country is full of commies, Socialists, liberals and Dems who won’t just give me the money for my wall, when I know they’ve seen The Wizard of Oz, and so they should know that The Emerald City was definitely the safest place on the face of the earth, ‘cause it had that big, beautiful wall, but the Dems would rather harass and obstruct and let all those caravans of flying monkeys come swooping into the country, you know? See, I was elected, in part, aside from the fact that people love me, like maybe more than any other president, or any other leader in the history of history maybe, because I vowed I would not allow things like flying monkeys into this great land of ours. I vowed that it would be a lovely place where everyone was happy like in the movie – I told them that. But we’re not going to be able to fix history if people keep obstructing me like this. Why can’t they just let me do my job?

Okay, so back to the beginning. I was born too late for a few things. I feel like Andrew Jackson. I know that guy would have been like, “Hey, why would we have a war where one part of the country fights another part of the country? That’s stupid.” Unlike Lincoln, he never would’ve let any of that happen. I feel like if I had been born earlier, a lot of bad stuff might not have happened, or if I had been president earlier, a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened – like 9/11, even though that day turned out pretty good for me. I’m that kind of guy. I settle things. I make deals. I’m like, “Hey, you want this. And you over there, you want this. Let’s see how each of you gets what he wants.” We don’t have enough of that these days.

So, Stevie and Rog, they keep pestering me and pestering me about getting into politics, and I’m like, “Why? I got it good here. I got the golf courses, the towers, Melania, plenty of side pieces. Why?” I told you before how Roger was telling me how much money we could make off of The Wall and deals like that, all those shell companies and stuff, but Stevie, he was actually into politics, you know? He wanted to “deconstruct the bureaucratic state,” which I wasn’t so sure I knew what he meant. Stevie, he’s a good guy and he helped run probably the most successful campaign – mine – of all time, but – and please don’t tell him I said this – but he’s kind of an egghead. Yeah, he sort-of has egghead tendencies. Remember how the Nazis used to say, “Well you’re not an actual Jew, but you’re actually acting like a Jew ‘cause you’re a commie, or a fag or a teacher – all the same I guess”? Well, Stevie’s kinda in that category. Like, he’s my pal but sometimes he gets a little too egg-heady for my taste. Anyway, after a while, I figure I’ll give it a shot. If I don’t win, I’ll just go play golf somewhere for a while and lick my wounds – no big deal, but, of course, as it has been with my whole life, we won – I won.

That’s when Stevie starts filling my ear with all his egghead stuff. “You know,” he says. “All the history books always say that the Civil War was a great thing, a noble thing, that it was so great that Lincoln and the North stood up against those states that wanted to be slave states, and – so they say – kept our republic together. But did they, really?”

I was like, “What? You read too many books, Stevie.”

And he’s like, “No, think about it, Donnie. What have we had since that moment that General Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse in 1865? Huh? Trouble. I’ll answer for you, Donnie. Trouble. That’s all we’ve had. Think about it. There used to be order, Donnie. There was a self-determined system of Natural Order that not everyone agreed with, but it worked in the long run, as a whole. Then, the Idealists comes along, the mighty Abraham Lincoln, and he decides he’s going to walk on water and change everything. He wants to upend the entire social structure because of one man’s set of values. Think about all the people who died because he had some sort of Ideal. About 620,000 Americans died in that war.”

“Well,” I told him. “That makes sense ‘cause it’s Americans fighting Americans, so every time someone dies it counts for the same total, right? I mean it’s not like in the Big War where a German dies, and it counts for one German, or one American or Jap or whatever, but every time someone died, it’s an American.”
Stevie kind of shook his head when I said that. He did that sometimes. I would say something, and he would just shake his head. Secretly, I think he was jealous of me, like how smart I sounded, and he couldn’t handle it, you know?
“That’s sort of what I meant,” Stevie went on. “What I was getting at is that he destroyed a whole social fabric that worked – it worked. All moral considerations aside, it worked.”

That’s when I used to start to yawn when Stevie was talking. He’d start talking about ‘social fabric,’ which I didn’t really think was a thing. I mean fabric is what you make clothes out of and social is like when you’re hanging out talking to people, at a party or something, but you can’t just put two things together like that – “social fabric.” You’re gonna confuse people. So, I told him about how, you know, a lot of people just don’t agree. Most people think that the Civil War was a good thing and that Lincoln did the right thing.

Well, you know, Stevie always had an answer. His face got real red. He says, “It ruined everything! All those amendments to the Constitution? All those codes? My god!”

“Whoa, Stevie,” I says, “I get it. I’m not a huge fan of that Constitution either, but what are you going to do, right?”

“We’re going to roll it back, Donnie boy,” Steve says and, of course, he lifts up his glass of scotch. He loves to drink. Me? I never had a drop. My older brother, Fred, he was an airline pilot, big drunk. Drank himself to death by the age of 43. He always used to tell me, “Never, not a drop. Never drink.”
Then he goes on. “They called it ‘Reconstruction,’ as if the Southerners had destroyed everything and it all had to be put back together again by all those slick Northerners who had, yeah, ruined it all. They sent down all those slick Northern politicians to ‘guide’ the rest of the country to Reconstruct what the North had destroyed, but the South had been gutted. How can they go from this idyllic time when they lived off the fat of the land, with a whole population of basically free labor to suddenly having to subsidize all that labor? I mean, once the slaves were freed, what were they supposed to do?”

I thought about it. I says to myself, I says, “Yeah. I know what you mean, Stevie. Like how would the first Trump Tower ever have been built under cost if I had to pay all those Polish workers that were shipped over here? I mean, it would’ve blown my budget. And then there was some piece of artwork that these tree-huggers called iconic on the front of the building that would, eventually, become Trump Tower, and everyone one of them wanted to save it, so I was like “Yeah, yeah, okay, we’ll take it off and give to the museum, so they can keep it. Okay, good, go hug a tree in Central Park, but don’t get raped by all those animals down there.” Then, the head of the crew comes up to me with an estimate of what it’ll cost to take it down without destroying it, all the stuff we’ll have to replace and how many hours we’re gonna waste taking it down and I was like, “No, just blast it.” Let me tell you, people were pissed. So, I got it. I got what Stevie was saying. Basically, he was saying that The South, after the war, they were getting screwed business-wise. Sure, they tried to figure it out. They had some good ideas. Like when the government – yeah Big Government run by the commies and socialists – decided they were going to tell everyone how to live by passing the 13th amendment, which said Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction. In other words, Big Brother United States Government was going to tell everyone how they should run their businesses. You’re not allowed to make people work for you, even if you are rich or powerful. I will say, though, the South was really smart, ‘cause they actually read the thing and they saw that it said “except as punishment for crime,” and then they were like, according to Stevie the Egghead anyway, “Hey, we just need to figure ways to throw them in jail and then we’re allowed to go back to the old days, right?”

“Vagrancy laws,” Stevie told me.

“Like being a bum?” I says.

“Not really,” Stevie explained. “It sounds that simple, but they had the blacks agree to year-long contracts to work for whites out these ‘contraband camps. Yeah, they were considered war contraband from the Confederacy, and they had to be able to show they were working for a white guy at any given time, or they got thrown in jail. If they got thrown in jail, then they got leased out and worked for basically nothing. On top of that, their kids would be sent out as ‘apprentices’ for free to white owners. So, they got rid of the word ‘slave’ and they called them ‘vagrants,’ ‘prisoners,’ and ‘apprentices, but it was basically free labor.”

“Okay,” I asked him. “So, what’s the problem? It seems like they had it all figured out. They needed workers and they figured it out.”

“The god-damned Democrats,” Stevie told me, and I was like, “Yeah, I figured.”

“The South figured it out,” Stevie goes on. “They had Jim Crow. You stay there, I stay here kind of thing, but then the Dems take over with that Socialist Roosevelt and he starts packing the courts with these liberal judges and all of a sudden, separate is no longer equal. Blacks and whites have to go to school together. They have to eat together. Even though, the blacks don’t pay as much in taxes, they get the same free schools and social security and health care. Brown versus the Board of Education. Roe Versus Wade. Everyone’s equal all of a sudden. No matter how much you’ve contributed, or not contributed, you get all the same stuff – everyone gets a trophy, even if you finished dead last. Then the gays had rights, women had rights, Latino workers, Indians – it was anarchy. Shit, Donnie, even the environment has more rights than the average white male. A god-damned river in Ohio had more legal protection than the white guy running the factory who was trying to dump his waste without going broke. You know what it’s like, Donnie. Environmental Impact Statements – what the hell is that? A choke-hold on the economy – that’s what it is.

“There was a Golden Age, Donnie Boy, when men like you, rich guys with vision who could build towers, cities and fortunes, guys the Pinko newspapers called ‘robber barons,’ but they were really men of vision. These men created steel like Carnegie, automobiles like Ford, telephones like Edison. These men built highways and cruise ships. There were no pansy-ass government regulations, Donnie. There were no bullshit governmental regulations about health care for all. The environment? The trees? The coal? The oil? The minerals? All that wasted land in those National Parks that the other Roosevelt created? Those were all opportunities for men like you. The great capitalists of the globe. Since Roosevelt and the Socialists took over we’ve been fighting and clawing our way back into power, Donnie. Law by law, judge by judge, precedent by precedent, we’re regaining what this country was a 130, 140 years ago – that great Christian land founded by white men, where anyone who had the gumption could succeed, and you could be part of it, Donnie boy. You could be the face of the past which is where we belong. Self-made men, not cowards sniveling for hand-outs and government subsidies.”
It was right then I had to think of my grandfather, Friedrich. He was one of the originals of this country, you know? He was born in a beautiful place in Germany, in a place called Bavaria, but he didn’t want to serve in the army, so he was like, “Nope, I’m going to America.” And when he got there, see, he saw all the possibilities. He knew what he wanted: money, and he got it. He was into real estate like me and he had some really nice hotels back in the days of the gold rush, ‘cause he knew those guys need three things. The needed a roof over their heads, they needed food in their stomachs and they needed women –so, he used to always have “rooms for women” in his hotels, and he was the one who started it all for us Trumps. Now, imagine trying to do that now, with all these bullshit hippie regulations and laws and bylaws and whatnot, right? I’ve had to fight through all these stupid restrictions my whole life, and don’t get me wrong, let’s be clear about this, it has not been easy for me. And you know I started off in Brooklyn? My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. That’s it. That’s all I had was this measly million bucks to start with, where these other guys, like Carnegie, he had millions and millions to work with, but I did, just the way my father told me to do it. He always said, “'The elevator to success is out of order. Go one step at a time.” So, you see, I didn’t get the elevator like all these other guys. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth like Henry Ford or Vanderbilt. These guys had everything handed to them. Me? I had to work for it. But with hard work, and a little luck from The Almighty, things worked out, or as my old preacher, Norman Vincent Peale, used to say, “Learn to pray big prayers. God will rate you according to the size of your prayers.” I guess old God rated me pretty good.
But now, after all that hard, honest labor, I’m supposed to hand it all back to people who haven’t done anything for this country. I mean, I can see why. These other people, they must be jealous in some senses. They look at me and they see what I’ve got, and they must figure that everybody deserves what I’ve got, but they don’t understand that that’s not how it works. Even Jesus Christ himself, he said, “The poor will always be among us.” So, it’s like, “Sorry not sorry, pal. Pray bigger. Dream bigger. Think bigger, right?” That’s when it all started to sink in, all this stuff Stevie was talking about, and everything Roger was talking about, too.

“The Reconstruction is over, and we killed it,” Stevie got all serious on me. “Can you hear it? Can you hear the clanging of the shovels of the gravediggers? The Dems are dead, and we killed them. The New Deal – dead! The Great Society – dead! Camelot – dead! Dead as J.F.K., R.F.K., Martin, Malcolm and all the others that never made it into the history books. Now it’s time for Deconstruction, stripping it all down, destroying that Leviathan of bureaucracy that is called ‘government’ now. That fatty, stumbling creature called Washington D.C. that gorges itself on taxes and spits them back out to Israel, shitholes in Central America, Arabs who bomb us, supposed earthquake victims on tiny, useless islands. We’re taking it all back, Donnie boy, and you’re going to be the face of it all, the pitch man, the P.T. Barnum of the newest, Greatest Show on Earth. What do you think?”

“Roger was telling me before,” I told Stevie, “that all I had to do was talk, basically. Is this true?”

“Yeah,” Stevie tells me. “Pretty much. Just pretend you’re back on TV.”
So, I talked to Roger about it, and he’s sitting there, sipping on his martini as always, and I says, “Hey, Rog, we’re gonna get a lot of flack about this whole ‘deconstruction’ thing Stevie’s got in mind. Besides, I’m more of a construction guy, not a de-construction guy. I mean, is this even up my alley?”

“You have to revel in their hatred, Donnie boy,” Roger told me. “If they hate you, you must be doing something right. Also, if you know anything about the construction business, then you’ll know just as much about the de-construction business. All you have to do is to do everything in reverse.”

Sometimes Roger could really talk weird. Like sometimes, I just didn’t get what he was saying. So, I was like, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Okay, let me put it in your terms,” Rog says; “on a construction site, what do you need to build something?”

“Workers,” I started.

“What else?” Rog asked. “Everything.”

“Tools,” I thought really hard, “a union rep even if he’s just a guy that the local sends over to sit there ‘cause he’s on the take so he just sits in the trailer all day. You need a bunch of bullshit permits and stuff, all kinds of paperwork. Workers, you need them. You need a foreman.”

“Now this question may sound really simple, Donnie, but what kind of workers, tools and whatnot do you need?” he said as he smiled.

“The best,” I tell him. “Always the best.”

“You need the best for con-struction,” he pointed at with his martini. I hated when he did that. “But you need the worst for de-con-struction. See my point, Donnie boy?”

My mind was blown. I was like, “Wow!” Yeah, that made perfect sense.
“And what do you take away when you want a project to stop dead in its tracks, wither and eventually die?” Rog asked me.

“Money, right?” I wasn’t sure if I was right, ‘cause I felt like I was back in school again, and we all know how I feel about school.

“Now you’re getting it,” Rog went on. “If you want to de-contsruct something, anything, you just don’t feed it the money it needs. Planned Parenthood – underfund it. Eventually, the AIDS-ridden clients have no where to go. The buildings shutter up and the diseased die off. All those welfare queens who are spurting out babies suddenly have nowhere to go for free abortions. I know how you feel about education. Put a bad foreman in charge, a real dope, and stop spending money on every hood-rat, illegal and vagrant who wanders in off the street to learn how to read. Eventually, it just crumbles. You know? Put a surgeon in charge of the Housing Authority.”

“A surgeon?” I was kinda shocked.

“Sure,” Rog laughed. “What does he know about housing? Just make him black and everyone will be like, ‘Oh look how progressive. Look how racially sensitive he is.’”

Yeah, that made perfect sense, actually. It’s like in the Fake News Media. It doesn’t really matter what they say. If they have a nice piece of ass saying it, then people believe it. I’ve told many women reporters, “Let’s face it, you wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t hot, you know?” They don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. So, it doesn't really matter what they write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. And it doesn’t really matter in this country if you’ve actually done anything to become rich and famous and loved by millions. Sure, I had to break my back every day, but you don’t always have to, like Paris Hilton. She did it purely on looks, which she displayed in the most effective way in her sex tape. After that sex tape, she had a brand, right? I’m not saying anything about her, she used what she had, and she knew that if the product simply looks good, it doesn’t matter if there’s nothing behind it. Please, believe me, she’s someone who a lot of people don’t give credit to but in actuality is really beautiful, this Paris Hilton. I’ve known Paris Hilton from the time she’s 12, and I knew she had something there, something a lot of people just don’t have, a beautiful appearance. Her parents are friends of mine, and the first time I saw her she walked into a room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that? She's a very... Well, at 12 I wasn't interested. I've never been into that. They've sort of always stick around that 25 category. My point is, and we’ve talked about this a few times in this book, is that what you see and hear are not what’s happening, just pay attention to the pretty piece on the screen.

So, it was after that breakthrough, after my discussions with Stevie and Rog, that I was all in. We were going to campaign and win this thing. I was going to be president and we were all going to make a ton of money and Stevie could have his “deconstruction” thing, whatever that meant to him. So, we started on the path to what would become the greatest campaign victory in the history of all victories, and I’ve been looking around to see if anyone disagrees and no one really has yet. I mean, there are always the Haters, the Libs and the Dems, but it’s history, and since they love schools, books and history so much, they can look it up, but they won’t ‘cause they just want to believe that it wasn’t the greatest, biggest thing ever. Then, we started the deconstruction. We started putting all the best people in charge, who were actually the worst people, ‘cause according to Rog that’s the only way to do the opposite of constructing something. So, we put this lady in who had never even taken a student loan, a billionaire, who gave us a lot of money in charge of education. Then we got ourselves an African-American in charge of housing, a surgeon just like Rog suggested, but not just any surgeon but the Surgeon General of the United, ‘cause of course you want the very best of the worst. We got Sessions for Attorney General. It was all coming together. Of course, the pinnacle of this, the one in charge of all this deconstruction, the one with the least political experience and, perhaps even intelligence, the best of the worst, the one in charge, the foreman if you will of this deconstruction project would be me – the 45th president of these United States.
 Now available on Amazon.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more