Political Apathy Reclassified as 'Positive Thinking'

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 6 February 2020

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Psychologists encourage those suffering from what used to be known as cautious optimism to consider prescription medication.

In the wake of American disillusionment following the skeleton impeachment "trial" of United States President Donald Trump - which, unlike the standard trial in the American judiciary system, did not allow for the introduction of any witnesses, documents, or other tangible evidence - psychologists have reclassified political apathy as 'positive thinking'.

"Barring total insanity, there's no logical basis for traditional 'positive thinking' anymore," said psychologist Amy Moore. "Apathy is realistically as good as it's going to get."

For that reason, stated Moore, the American Psychological Association has redefined "not giving a s***" as 'positive thinking'. "Kind of like grading on a curve," she explained.

By the same token, what used to be known as 'cautious optimism', has been reclassified as 'mania'. "We'd encourage anyone suffering from that level of delusion to consider taking prescription medication," said Moore. "Bipolar is no joke."

When asked to offer her single most important piece of advice for Americans struggling to maintain their equanimity in turbulent times, Moore said, "More than anything else, people should keep in mind that there's not really any cause for hope. So, adjust your expectations accordingly."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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