Nashville Man Fails Non-Inferiority Trial

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 26 January 2020

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While not approved as a remedy for singlehood, Kyle Strickland may be approved for off-label use to treat schizophrenia.

Despite promising early research results as a potential non-toxic antidote to singlehood, Kyle Strickland of Nashville, Tennessee, failed a non-inferiority trial and ultimately was not approved as Christina Angelo’s new boyfriend.

“It’s disappointing,” said Strickland of his failure to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than Angelo’s standard lonely Saturday nights and gaping lack of physical intimacy. “But it is better just to know.”

He added, “I’d hate to have been approved if I weren’t safe.”

According to Angelo, there were a number of ways in which Strickland failed to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than the control group, loneliness. “Lack of consistent performance results was the main deficiency,” she said. “Also considered were several detrimental side effects, including decreased motivation and increased risk of anxiety and/or depression."

And, so, it’s back to the drawing board for Angelo in her search of a harmless remedy for singlehood. Meanwhile, to Strickland’s pleasant surprise, there may be a possibility that he’ll be approved for off-label use, to treat severe schizophrenia. “Apparently I may help with paranoid delusions,” he said. “Who knew?"

Angelo herself, however, is not holding out hope for a new and improved version of Strickland and, instead, is making use of time-tested home remedies for loneliness. “There are a lot of good ones – hibiscus tea, aromatherapy, word puzzles, and mystery novels,” she said. “They’ll get me through until something better comes along.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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