Staffers for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg are pleading with their boss today to halt the random stop and frisks he performs on attendees of campaign events. Not surprisingly, the former mayor of New York is pushing back, characterizing the practice as a means of personally connecting with voters.
“I’m sorry if my staff views these personal moments I share with Americans as an inconvenience or an infringement on their time. However, I very much enjoy the one-to-one contact I have with these individuals and their personal belongings,” said Bloomberg.
“One of the knocks on Bloomberg is his lack of charisma and his inability to connect with average Americans. Aside from his obvious fondness for patting down and manually probing nearly everyone he encounters, he probably thinks he’s making a positive and lasting impression on voters,” observed MSNBC political analyst Matthew Hayes.
However, many campaign staffers are openly questioning the implementation of a new policy Bloomberg refers to as “voter forfeiture.” Under this practice, Bloomberg often seizes something of value from the individual during the stop and frisk, promising to return it once they have cast a vote for him.
The practice has raised more than a few eyebrows on the campaign trail, and has many crying foul. “He relieved me of my engagement ring,” complained one attendee of a New York campaign event. “Now I have to postpone my wedding until after the election.”
Others complain that the billionaire allows his hands to linger a little too long over some search areas. “Stop and frisk, my ass,” protested one event attendee. “He patted his way straight to my tush and wouldn’t move on till he got my endorsement.”
Don’t expect the policy to end anytime soon. Said one staffer, “As long as Bloomberg has a reasonable suspicion that you might not vote for him, he’s probably going to let his fingers do the walking.”