BILLINGSGATE POST: In a battle that no one thought could be staged - at least in the free world - Li’l Wilmer, who held the IAAF World Diarrhea All Specie Championship, defeated Schift E Coyote in an historic dog doo-doo contest that left spectators gasping for air.
Li’l Wilmer, a 26-inch long haired Dachshund, was the reigning champion of this division. To win the title, he defeated a 47-inch Irish Wolfhound named Suet in a hotly contested, bowel-wrenching extravaganza staged in Madison Square Garden, as part of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
His opponent, House Intelligence Chairman, Schift E Coyote, measures approximately 31 inches from his pie hole to his ass hole. The diminutive Schift E eyed this contest as an opportunity to enhance his status in the Democrat Party.
Billed as the “Diarrhea In The Dunes", the match between Li’l Wilmer and Schift E Coyote took place today in Diriyah, a small city outside of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. In a gladiator-style, three-sided temporary venue that seats 15,000, and which was built solely for this excretory discharge contest, tickets ranged from $238 to $1500 US. Because of the nature of the event, the tickets were inversely priced, with the most expensive seats farthest from the ring.
In the contest, sponsored by Pizzarrhea, both contestants consumed two giant slices of pepperoni pizza and were timed to see how long it took for the pizza to pass through the alimentary canal of each contestant. Using the formula: (T) Time = (L) Length divided by (V) Velocity, each contestant was measured from pie hole to ass hole to allow for a distance differential.
Li’l Wilmer won by a technical shit hemorrhage. Schift E Coyote, after devouring the two slices of New York style pizza, began running around in circles until he ran out of gas. The referee declared Li’l Wilmer the champion when Schift E finally collapsed and fell into his own excrement.
In a preliminary bout, Andy Ruiz Jr. was outpointed by Anthony Joshua to reclaim the unified heavyweight championship.
Slim: “Lil Wilmer trained all his life for this contest. Hoorah for the champion.”
Dirty: “I knew Schift E Coyote’s pencil neck would slow him down a bit. Li’l Wilmer won by a poop slide.”