Nine-Year-Old Graduates From Harvard: Burns Out Too Early

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Sunday, 1 September 2019

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LITTLE WILLIE

BILLINGSGATE POST: Like his Ma and Pa, Little Willie Everdingle had no teeth when he was born. Although neither had graduated from high-school after undergoing government mandated lobotomies that were commonplace at that time in their home state of West Virginia, Slim and YoDale were not surprised that Little Willie was so precocious.

Confounding linguists with his ability to speak seven indecipherable languages by the time he was three, it was decided that he had the “gift of tongues.” Able to converse with both man and animals, he had trained his dog Muttley to tie his shoes and change his diapers before the dog could be expected to fetch a ball.

Little Willie blew through his local schools faster than pizza going through a dog. At age seven, he was admitted to Harvard. Majoring in Astrophysics and Celestial Navigation, he breezed through in two years. Although too young to drink, he joined a fraternity, and participated in outlaw panty raids against one of the sororities. He was also very popular with his fraternity brothers, who used him in dwarf-tossing contests. Wrapping him in Velcro, they threw him up against a Velcro wall to see if he would stick.

Upon graduating from Harvard at such a young age, whatever happened to Little Willie?

Slim: “A sad story, but one that needs to be told:”

Little Willie in the best of sashes
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
Bye and bye the room grew chilly
But nobody wanted to poke up Willie.

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Must have burnt out early. Too bad.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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