World famous mountaineer, Edward Cliff, became the first person to ascend Florida’s highest hill, known as Verdant Knoll on Saturday the second of November. It took the persistent and determined mountain climber three weeks to scale the mound, and breach its summit. Verdant Knoll stands at a whopping 100 feet from the base to its crown.
“I’ve climbed the largest mountains in the world”, started Cliff. “Of all of them this was the hardest. Heck, scaling Mount Everest was no more than a walk through a poison ivy patch while being covered in yellow mustard."
“One thing that impeded me was getting a climbing permit from the state of Florida for Verdant Knoll. It appears that 120 mountaineers have been killed on the bluff since a first attempt was made in 1959 by Peter Perish, who did not take any oxygen with him. I passed his frozen body just three feet from the summit.
“It was the most engaging mountain I have ever conquered," continued Cliff. “At the base, you have to contend with large man-eating salamanders who hide in the saw grass. Fighting the salamanders was akin to trying to convince a vampire to go Vegan. Not an easy feat. When I got a third of the way up the hill, the salamanders were replaced by tickling boweevils who will tickle you so hard that you end up peeing in your pants. I had to spray them with anti-prickling spray to get them off of me”.
“Two thirds of the way up the hillock where the air is extremely thin you need to set up camp for two weeks in order to acclimatize your brain to stop it from constantly thinking: ‘Why am I doing such a silly thing?' You, also, have to eat all your food before it turns into a bunch of politicians who will create enough hot air to melt all of the snow off of the summit”.
Cliff was presented with the bonehead of the year award, which was presented by the Idiotacracy Society.
As of press time, a group of kids ran up Verdant Knoll and took a selfie.