Everyone Safe After Florida Man Guns Down Intruders

Funny story written by JulesDangerFox

Friday, 27 October 2017

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A Florida man and his family are safe, thanks to his quick thinking, and gunning down intruders on his front stoop.

"I heard a knock at the door," says Robert, a thirty six year old white male from Tampa. "I grabbed my AR33 assault rifle and went to go see who it was. I looked through the peephole and didn't recognize who was knocking. So I opened the door and unloaded an entire clip into both people."

Robert was alone in his house with his wife and six year old daughter, who also witnessed the potentially tragic scene unfold.

"I just kept thinking, I'm so glad nothing bad happened," said Robert's wife, Lucy, a nineteen year old white female. "We could have been robbed, or raped. I'm just so glad nobody got hurt. I would hate for my daughter to have to witness that - if it's not a close family member."

The two assailants, both of nondescript dark origins, were pronounced dead on the scene as paramedics arrived. An investigation is underway as to why they were knocking on the door, and whether or not this is a foiled terror attack.

Robert, Lucy and their daughter are at their home, in good condition. Additional armed forces have been sweeping the neighborhood and guarding the perimeter of the house, to prevent any possible violence.

President Trump weighed in on the matter via twitter, tweeting "Automatic guns are gun safety! Make America Armed Again!"

This marks yet another scenario where automatic weapons have saved people's lives, and stopped would-be criminals dead in their tracks.

"There are plenty of gun protesting maniacs out there who can only focus on a few isolated news stories," adds Pete Brownell, President of the National Rifle Association. "The real safety concerns are when a person is helpless in the privacy of their own home. Just last week my own front porch was scouted by young girls in uniforms, holding stacks of boxes. If I hadn't fired a few warning shots into them, who knows what could have happened?"

In the wake of the new proposed mandatory concealed carry laws, some former anti-gun nuts are starting to see the bigger picture here.

"Part of making America great again, is shedding this oppressive fear we have been living in," noted U.S. Sen. Steve Daines (R-MT). "If everyone knew that everyone else was carrying a gun, you would see the crime rate dropping off as fast as the people committing the crimes."

As armed vigils were held throughout the Tampa area for Robert and his family, tensions ran high. "We still don't know why those darker people were knocking on his door," said another Tampa resident, who wishes to remain anonymous. "Sure, Robert and his wife and kid are safe - and I'm happy for them. But who's next?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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