Raw Food Vegan Admits to Having a Cold

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 20 September 2019

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Jeff Hayes is moving past the shame of being the only under-the-weather raw vegan in human history.

"I feel like such a failure," said a hoarse Jeff Hayes of Cambridge, Massachusetts, a raw food vegan who finally came clean that he had come down with a cold. "I've let down the entire raw community. Not to mention broccoli sprouts."

When it was suggested that perhaps broccoli sprouts had let him down, Hayes balked. "No, no, this was totally my fault. I knew I shouldn't have gotten caught up in my coworker's negativity. Or used my cell phone right before going to bed. My immune system didn't stand a chance."

Despite the setback, and despite the shame of likely being the only raw food vegan in human history to ever end up under the weather, Hayes is keeping a forward focus.

"Honestly, for a second there I thought about having some cooked black bean chili, but I realized that was just my old self trying to sabotage me," said Hayes. "Live food for life!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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