Six Ways to Get an Atheist's Goat

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 27 October 2019

image for Six Ways to Get an Atheist's Goat
The atheist's goat is easily gotten with a few simple tricks.

Tired of hearing your heathen friends whine about science and organized religion while completely ignoring your warnings about hell? Well, here are six  ways guaranteed to get those smooth-talking tricksters off their game.

Why six? Because if you do it three times, it'll be the atheist's favorite number: 666. Let them deal with the devilish consequences!

1) Wear crucifix jewelry and/or prominently display Jesus tattoos.
These serve as perfect distractors in any rational discussion - atheists won't be able to tear their eyes away from your Christian markers, thereby preventing then from effectively making their anti-God arguments.

2) "Innocently" give crucifix jewelry as gifts.
They'll either be too flustered to turn it down, or they'll reveal themselves as the bastards they are, and angrily reject your kindness - and you'll get to hold on to a lovely spiritual accessory.

3) Offer to pray for them...
...and when they turn you down, say, "You're right. It probably wouldn't have done much good anyway." Your veiled insult will be quite apparent - and for once you'll have the last word!

4) Ask them to pray for you...
... and when they refuse, say, "Well, I'm not going to ask you to make an animal sacrifice for me. In fact, please don't."
They'll get offended at the implication that they're satanists - and you'll have made your point.

5) Ask them about their Sunday-morning acts of charity...
...and when they're confused, comment that you assumed the reason they didn't attend church was that they were busy performing good works. (In fact, chances are they're watching TV or still drunk from the night before.) A little guilt goes a long way.

6) Ask them repeatedly how they find motivation to go on living without God, Jesus, or anything to give meaning to their life.
They'll get the hint ... eventually.

Bonus Tip:
This one's number seven (and any associated good luck goes to you, not the non-believer.). Use the term "blessed" at every opportunity, and always wish atheists a "blessed day."
It behooves no one to begrudge anyone  God's glory, no matter how undeserved. Yes, friend, someone has to be holier-than-thou - and when you're with an atheist, that person is you. Keep up the good (God's) work!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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