Hell Becoming Increasingly Uninhabitable Due to Climate Change

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 6 October 2019

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In addition to being hotter than ever, hell is experiencing severe water shortages.

While never pleasant, climate experts report that hell is becoming all but uninhabitable due to global warming.

"People there are having an even tougher time than usual," said underworld reporter David Cohan. "Poor souls!"

Cohan stated, too, that water availability is becoming an ever-more-pressing concern for the damned. "And what there is, tends to be contaminated with feces," he said. "Part of the package, I guess."

The netherworld specialist went on to state that, in fact, the temperature issue in hell has become so dire, that the divine powers that be are even contemplating transferring some subjects of hell to purgatory and/or limbo. "No one likes to be uprooted," he said, "but, in this case, it could arguably be considered an upgrade."

As for the devout living population concerned about the ramifications of commuting a sentence of eternal damnation to a stay of undetermined length in a less horrendous realm, Cohan encouraged adopting an attitude of compassion toward those writhing in hell. "Remember, we want them to suffer, but we don't want their spirits to be totally extinguished," he said. "That would defeat the whole purpose."

And to Old Testament devotees intent on unremittingly brutal judgment, Cohan offered this additional reassurance: "Keep in mind, these souls won't be escaping much in purgatory, anyway. At this rate, it's soon going to be hotter than hell everywhere."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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