Nashville Man Tries Stalking but Isn't Sure How to Follow Up

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 24 October 2019

image for Nashville Man Tries Stalking but Isn't Sure How to Follow Up
Johnny Holcomb is no longer stalking Lucinda Preston of Nashville, but he is still interested.

After catching a glimpse of a beautiful, fit woman jog past his house at exactly 6:23 a.m. two days in a row, but at a loss as to how to actually meet her, Johnny Holcomb of Nashville, Tennessee, decided to try his hand at stalking, only to find he wasn't really sure how to follow up.

"After she ran past my place the third time," said Holcomb, "I hopped in my car and drove up behind her. My plan was to follow her home."

Unfortunately, even driving slowly, Holcomb soon passed the anonymous runner woman - and when he circled back around in his vehicle, he could no longer spot her.

"She must have turned off somewhere," he said. "I don't think she was on to me at that point. Although, I guess you never know."

The next morning, however, Holcomb was better prepared. He waited in his car until the beautiful runner woman ran by. Then, through diligent observation, laser focus, and the clever use of turn signals, he managed to follow her to the place she appeared to live.

"I saw her check the mailbox, which confirmed her place of residence," said Holcimb. "That was my first break in the case."

Later that afternoon, Holcomb returned to the residence, and checked the mailbox himself, seeking a name to go with the address - cognizant that, in doing so, he was probably violating multiple federal statutes.

"It was a risk," he acknowledged. "But I figured, what's the point of stalking if you're not willing to go for it?"

Go for it he did, and, there on a piece of junk mail was the name he'd been after: Lucinda Preston.

Flush with success from his groundwork, Holcomb realized it was now time to take his stalking to the cyber level. Unfortunately, it was at that point that he arrived at an impasse. Google and Facebook searches for Lucinda Preston, Lucy Preston, and Lucie Preston all turned up empty. For Holcomb, the stalking jig was up.

"It might work for other people, and more power to them if it does," said Holcomb. "I had a decent run, but I don't really think it's for me."

Holcomb did emphasize, however, that if a Lucinda Preston who runs regularly and sometimes wears a black baseball cap happened to catch this news story, she was encouraged to contact him at hopelessromanticjohnnyh@mail.web.

"I may no longer be stalking, but I'm definitely still interested," he said. "Just for the record."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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