7 tips for modern romance

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Monday, 14 October 2019

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Before the days of the internet, men would wander round hills and forests waving their penis around hoping to find love

Modern romantic relationships can be tough, especially for the sort of internet-obsessed weirdos who would read this website. Here are some tips to help even the lardiest pervert find love, or at least a willing hole.

There are dating websites for anyone
Are you fat? A sadomasochist? A Brexit voter? Ugly? Then there's a dating website for you. There are dating websites for almost anyone these days, except of course, for normal people. If you use one, you are by definition a freak.

Don't send a dick pic
When trying to court a lady, sending a photograph of your genitalia may be somewhat offputting. If she likes it, she's a slut or a gay man in disguise. But she probably won't like it because, for some reason, women aren't into that like gay men are.

Think about how you would feel if she sent you a vagina pic. They're not all that interesting, are they? You can make a vagina pic of your own if you just tuck your dick between your legs and keep them together. Try taking a vagina pic of your own, and, if that doesn't appeal to you, then don't send a dick pic.

Don't lie about yourself
If you claim to be eight feet tall with three testicles, then your date is likely to be disappointed when you finally turn up - unless you are Titanic Tony Triple-Balls of Tunbridge.
Similarly for ladies, don't call yourself a size zero if your arse is too large to get on a bus seat. Men have a way of noticing these things when they see you. Even if they're blind, they'll probably find out the first time they go for a feel.

Choose a interesting activity to do together
At this stage, you should have communicated enough with your date to know what you have in common. Pick a wholesome activity you both enjoy.
If you choose to get shitfaced and then go to the local strip bar, then your date may be less than impressed, and might mysteriously disappear during your third lapdance.
Old favourites such as brass-rubbing, whelk-shovelling, or a visit to a dead baby crematorium should get her in the mood for romance, but in a subtle way.

Be careful where you meet
The internet is full of serial killers and psychopaths. If your date insists that you meet down the docks, in a dark alley, or in an unlit country lane, they may not be as pleasant as they first seem. If "bustysally36f" wants to meet you behind a gay sauna and suck you off while you are blindfolded, expect to feel disgusted with yourself if you actually turn up.
Instead, meet in a well-lit coffee shop and turn up sober so that you can tell how much of a munter your date is immediately, and make a quick getaway.

Both parties should always offer to pay for dinner
In order to appear gentlemanly, the man should always offer to pay for dinner or drinks. However, in order to show that she is not being bought, the woman should also offer to pay.
Who actually pays is then open to argument, with the compromise of each paying 50% being a likely option. Paying any other percentage such as 70%/30% or 60%/40% is odd, and will only raise more questions. The only acceptable outcomes are that the man pays for everything, or the bill is split 50/50. If the woman pays 100%, then she will lose all respect for the man, and will begin to treat him as her own property (just as he would have done if he's paid for her).

If things go well, use a condom
Once you manage to drag your drunken prey home with you, remember that your senses will also be dulled. When you wake up in the morning, you may realise that she is in fact a lardy crab-infested blob, not the virtuous curvy siren you thought she was.
But too late, you already stuck your dick in it. Even if she isn't a Ukrainian prostitute, "Chernobyl" get itchy and your sperm will be well on its way to getting its first benefit payment. So use a condom.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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