High School "Hero" Fights "Robot Ninjas" While Protecting Cheerleader's Gum - Recieves "Award"

Written by SamIAm

Saturday, 21 September 2019

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"A true warrior protects his lady. And her gum!" Says Les Barton.

Wayne, NE - A Blue Valley High School senior here courageously fought off two "robot ninjas" and has been awarded the coveted American Hero Award, all in his own head. What wasn't in his own head was his vow to watch over a beautiful cheerleader's gum while she ate her lunch.

Lester Barton, 17, president of the school's Comic Book Club, stated that he was sitting at lunch when cheerleader Tisha Chambers, along with two other girls Barton did not know, walked up to him. Chambers took her gum out of her mouth, and set it on his tray. "She was practically in tears," Barton said. "She begged me to watch her gum and said she would come back for it after lunch. I said, 'It is my vow to you, ma' lady!' And I placed a clean napkin over it."

Barton states that Chambers and her friends were so relieved they actually started giggling as they walked away. "They even stopped at other tables and told those people the good news too," Barton said. "Those people were so relieved as well. They looked at me, smiling and laughing. It made me feel good. They pointed and I thought I heard one of them say I had some class. I'm pretty sure he said 'some class'. I know it had "um" and "ass" in it.

"A lot of people want my protection," Barton continued. "I have a black belt in kung fu. I also created a martial art of my own. It's based on the fighting styles of Bruce Lee and Papa Smurf. I call it, The Blue Death. I also ran a couple errands for the CIA - if you know what I mean." Barton shifted his weight on the bunk. "I think I sensed more danger than anyone else was aware of."

Barton claims he lost track of Tisha in the cafeteria, so he waited for her to come back. "I waited until the cafeteria was almost empty. That's when the attack came. BAM! Two robot ninjas dropped from the ceiling and came at me with swords! They had red, glowing eyes. One of them grabbed Tisha's gum, and I knew they were after her DNA so they could clone her and make a race of perfect women to be their slaves. So I swore that I would go to my death defending this gum! So I grabbed my lunch tray and just started swinging."

"He hit me in the face with his lunch tray," said Principal Carl Weaton, 46. "Mister Welsh - he's the janitor - he and I were up on a lift changing light bulbs. When we lowered the lift and got off, Mister Barton yelled something like, 'You shall not take the gum of Chambers!' Then he just started swinging. Got us both pretty good."

It took both men, plus the on-site officer, to get Barton under control. He was booked into the Madison County jail for assault and terroristic threats. "They gave me my own, private room," Barton said, shifting once more on the bunk bed. "Oh! Here's my American Hero Award. Isn't it beautiful?" Barton held up a milk carton stabbed through with plastic sporks. "I feel so proud. I just wish Tisha was here with me." A teary-eyed Barton took a piece of gum out of his mouth. "I still have it. But someday - someday - I will find her, and we will be together again. Just me, Tisha and beautiful, beautiful Gum!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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