ICE detainees break into finely choreographed song and dance number

Funny story written by Michael Sienicki

Monday, 19 August 2019

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In what has been described as a “rare and fantastic phenomena”, detainees at an ICE facility in Arizona broke into a seemingly flawless song and dance number early Sunday morning. Approximately at 7:15 in the AM, ICE employees became baffled when they observed the migrants begin to shuffle their feet and snap their fingers in unison.

“I was doing my usual rounds, everything seemed normal, but then they all started dragging their feet past each other in a kind of criss-cross pattern,” said Jerome Langley, a corrections officer at the facility, “and that’s when the snapping started.”

As the migrants shuffled and snapped, it’s reported they then began to hum a collective baritone harmony. When guards attempted to inquire as to what exactly the detainees were doing, the musically gifted group was unresponsive.

“It’s as if we weren’t even there. I had Jake offer one of ‘em a Kit Kat bar. Not a glance. They just kept humming and moving around together, til’ one of them climbed halfway up the rear fencing over there,” Langley pointed out, “and I’ll be damned if that lil’ son of a bitch didn’t start in on the main vocal of the piece.”

It was at this time the employees reported seeing the main vocalist reach out over the crowd and evidently control their every rhythm, as if acting as a musical marionettist.

“They started doing some sorta - I don’t know - puppet dance.” Langley told us. “And I don’t like puppets, I find them weird and unsettling. So naturally, I became concerned.”

Langley wasn’t the only one who was apprehensive. Rebecca Ellis, a fellow officer, was in the breakroom as the showtune reached its halfway mark. “The vocalist, at this point, had jumped from the fence and into the crowd below, where they carried him in a circular direction as they sang back and forth in your standard call and response style.”

She explained further, “We didn’t know if this was some sort of elaborate escape attempt, or just a great performance, so we basically just had to see how it played out.”

What struck the officers as the most puzzling question of the entire ordeal, was how the group was able to execute such an elegant production with such little practice.

“I think I would have noticed a dance rehearsal,” Langley explained. “I mean, at one point during the song they kept running back and forth doing little air kicks and shit...I ain't seen nothing like that in my life.”

When asked of the content of the song, Langley had this to say, “I didn’t hear much of the lyrics, detention center acoustics are notoriously lousy, but it was clearly in the tune of the Banana Boat song. You know, from Beetlejuice?”

Currently, ICE has come up empty as to why the group spontaneously broke out into song, and even have gone so far as to reach out to renowned Sociologist, Wilson Kepling.

“Well, you see, there are many reasons a crowd may be able to perform a ‘flash phenomena’ as one may call it,” Dr. Kepling explained. “It could have, I mean, they could have been communicating, maybe...well...look, I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what the hell is going on.”

As experts struggle to find answers, the anomaly has since also occurred at a New Mexico facility as well, albeit to the tune of Help! by the Beatles. While the mystery remains, one thing is for sure, the migrant performances have been hailed as “sensational” and “must be seen to be believed.”

Continue to check back for updates on this story.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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