Health Vegan Acts Self-Righteous but Secretly Doesn't Give a Fuck about Animals

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 31 May 2019

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Health vegan Derek Casey feels a great deal of empathy for one particular animal: himself.

Derek Casey of Nashville, Tennessee,  who transitioned to a whole-food, plant-based diet two years ago after his doctor threatened him with a lifetime of insulin medication, dialysis and limb amputations if he didn't get his type 2 diabetes under control, admitted that he enjoys acting self-righteous about his veganism even though he secretly doesn't give a fuck about animals.

"Animal agriculture is incredibly horrific," said Derek. "Or so I hear. But just between you and me, I'm in this for me."

Among the many supercilious behaviors  Derek has adopted, he likes to cast judgmental looks at colleagues' bags of fast food or plates of fried chicken.

"Sometimes, just for kicks, I'll ask them who they're having for lunch today," said Derek, who's heard that some animals may even experience emotions, although he himself doesn't quite buy it. "It works like a charm to get the moral upper hand with someone."

Fortunately for Derek, he's diabetes-free and his health is excellent now that he's eating right. And he's not entirely unsympathetic to the plight of the billions of farmed animals tortured and slaughtered for the sake of an - unhealthy - palate preference. "Granted, from what I can tell, they're getting the short end of the stick," he said. "But I've got my own shit to deal with."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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