In a groundbreaking nutritional proceeding, carbohydrates have filed a class action lawsuit against Dr. David Flesch, outspoken proponent of the fad ketogenic or "keto" diet, for slander. Specifically, the starches allege that Dr. Flesch, who promotes a diet consisting almost exclusively of meat and other high-fat, no-carb foods, continues to maliciously and wrongfully injure their reputation by blaming them for the modern-day obesity epidemic.
"This may be a class action suit," said irate class representative Daijo Yam, "but let me be clear: this doc is no class act. His reckless ignorance of both human physiology and human nutrition has left the reputation of spuds like me in shreds. I'm just a regular, down-to-earth tuber. I'm not out to get anyone. But he's essentially hung us out to fry."
Yam chuckled darkly and added, "He's obviously suffering from a severe nutrition deficiency - an evidence-based nutrition deficiency, that is."
Another plaintiff grain, Buck Wheat, put it more bluntly. "The guy's a meathead."
The plaintiff carbohydrates, who represent a wide-ranging and tasty sector of the plant-based population, have claimed that not only is Flesch misinformed, he's an overt hypocrite. "He bashes us starchy tubers and grains to no end," said Yam, "and yet he's totally cool with leafy greens and veggies, which are mostly carbs. WTF?"
Dr. Flesch has not yet responded to the lawsuit; he is currently on medical leave for heart disease - which Yam attributes to the keto doc's meat- and fat-heavy diet. "If he wants to take himself down with the keto diet, that's one thing," said Yam. "But don't go spreading lies and rumors about us carbs and making health-conscious Americans think we're the enemy. They need more of us in their lives, not less. Hello, fiber, anyone?"
Yam went on to assure people that, contrary to what "bro scientists" and keto proponents like Dr. Flesch would have them believe, they have nothing to fear from carbs like him. "We may be complex, but we're very easy to prepare. And a lot of us - like me - are also extremely sweet."
Yam stated that he and his fellow carbs will continue fighting to rehabilitate the reputation of wrongfully maligned carbohydrates until the battle is won. "True grit is what's required here," said Yam. "And fortunately, they're part of our class action."