Drug Company Introduces Roundup-Ready Aspirin

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 4 May 2019

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Roundup-ready baby aspirin represents a revolution in both baby aspirin and pest control.

Appealing to gardeners and parents alike, an international drug company recently introduced its new "Roundup-ready" baby aspirin, which will not only reduce the risk of clot-related strokes in those who take it, but will also provide protection against the herbicide glyphosate, known as Roundup.

"We wanted people to feel doubly protected," stated drug company CEO Lerner Loman. "And we didn't want good chemicals to go to waste."

According to scientists, those who ingest the new Roundup-ready aspirin will both thin their blood and be genetically modified enough that they can safely spray glyphosate freely throughout their homes and gardens.

"Family-friendly was our primary concern," said Loman. "We feel we achieved that."

In recent years, Roundup has received a substantial amount of negative press, as have the patented genetically modified seeds which are designed  to withstand copious amounts of the cancer-causing chemical. However, drug company executives believe that this latest repackaging of the formerly demonized chemical in the form of the company's historically revered baby aspirin will prove a real turning point.

"Never stop innovating is our motto," said Loman. "It's a new generation for baby aspirin."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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