New Study Says Breathing Will Help You Live Longer

Funny story written by Dave Henry

Saturday, 27 April 2019

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Warning: Don’t try this at home

For ages, man, as in the species not some random guy, has sought the fountain of youth. They found it in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but it was the bad one that no one saw, so people have no idea where they found it.

But now scientists at Harvard University and TV's General Hospital have teamed up on a breakthrough study that may have unlocked the secret to a long life — breathing.

“We did a study of 1,000 healthy people and 10,000 dead people, and the findings were fascinating,” said Dr. Acula from Harvard. “The 1,000 healthy people all had one thing in common: they were breathing.”

Without getting too technical, breathing is the act of taking in oxygen through your lungs and exhaling carbon dioxide out of your nose or mouth. It all sounds very complicated, but the scientists swear by it.

“The other fascinating thing was that none of the dead people were breathing,” said Dr Noah Drake from General Hospital. “So we believe that as long as you are breathing, you can keep living forever and ever, until you stop breathing.”

Critics say it’s all too far-fetched.

“That’s all well and good, but how is the average guy out there supposed to figure out how to get oxygen into these lung things and then get the other stuff out?" asked Tom Andjerry, a skeptical local guy.

“It all sounds very complicated and expensive to me,” said Andjerry, whose counter opinion is stupid, but we have to run it in this story anyway to show both sides, even the dumb side. “I’m against it.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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