Lonely College Student Sincerely Hopes He Can Find Controlling Woman To Completely Destroy His Life Upon Graduation

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 28 April 2019

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Brad kept looking at Bible footnotes and passage interpretations while searching for the affirmation that Jesus would guide his footsteps.

Jefferson County, Wisconsin. Soul-crushing despair and unfathomable depression penetrated the highly-sensitive heart of Brad Williams on Thursday, April 18th, at 7:45 pm while he was trying to read a Sociology textbook in his dorm room.

Confused and weeping endlessly, the agony-filled, insecure individual prayed to God, the Generator of All Life And Existence, that he could eventually find a woman who would drive him insane, abuse him thoroughly, and completely destroy his life.

Finding himself willing to sacrifice his future goals and aspirations for any female who would 'fill the void' of his being, as well as the desperate yearning in his heart, the 21-year-old Social Studies Major begged the Almighty to guide him through endless evenings of ferociously masturbating to night-time infomercials for bun and thigh rollers to 'much brighter days' in which he could actually be with a vicious woman who would cut him down repeatedly, control every single thing that he does, lie to him constantly, and cheat on him.

Pacing himself carefully through long and boring chapters on "Culture" and "Socioeconomic Division," Mr. Williams fought back tears while hoping that the Divine, Heavenly Father (from whom all things come to be) would bless him with an insecure, bossy, self-centered, manic-depressive, hideously-raging 'Behemoth From Hell' who would torture his emotions for years upon years before finding some other man with a much bigger penis and more money.

Amidst his university studies, the highly-frustrated Brad kept looking at Bible footnotes and passage interpretations while searching for the affirmation that Jesus would guide his footsteps through college, so that he could eventually reach his ultimate destiny of being married to a nymphomaniac who would change her mind in middle age, turn his children against him, file for a divorce, and empty his bank account before leaving him in emotional ruins.

Sensing hope that the Holy Spirit would give him enough strength to graduate from UW-Whitewater with no particular focus, aim, or goal, Brad offered silent prayers that somebody who is an emotionally-devastated mess would come into his life, use his own personal fears and weaknesses against him, hurt him deeply with words that can never be taken back, and put him in an early grave before moving on and finding happiness in the arms of another man.

Totally exhausted with blowing his load all over cheap, Wal-Mart purchased bedsheets in his small (20 by 16 foot) dorm room to poorly-made 80s movies, such as Lisa: Warrior Queen Of The Partially Nude Desert Women, Brad still maintains hope that intimacy and connection will be a part of his future.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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