NRA Rolls Out Paintball Guns for New Initiative Saying: “No More Blood, Just Paint”

Written by M.R. Starling

Friday, 26 April 2019

image for NRA Rolls Out Paintball Guns for New Initiative Saying: “No More Blood, Just Paint”
Our guns are built just like the ones we make for the military. We also have a variety of colors for the paint. My wife helped pick them out.

Earlier today, Colonel Oliver North, the President of the NRA, announced his new gun initiative called, “No More Blood, Just Paint.” Due to the national news tragedies involving guns, specifically school shootings, North believed he had to take a stand.

“It came to me in a dream,” he explained. “I was at a table, drinking beers and chumming it up with the founding fathers, as one does. Then Hamilton chimed in and was all like, ‘Wait guys, what if we made a mistake.’ And we were all like, ‘Hamilton, don’t worry, you’re drunk go home.’ But then he was like, ‘No seriously guys. The second amendment might have some loopholes in it. And what if like, in the future, people are like, extra dumb and end up killing each other too much, you know?’ So then we were all like, shittttt what have we done. How can we keep the second amendment, but make sure everyone is safe?” North said he then woke up abruptly yelling, “PAINT! IT’S ALWAYS BEEN PAINT. THAT’S THE ANSWER!”

We then asked North what he meant by that, because we honestly had no idea what he was talking about. “Well you see,” he started. “People see me as this big, tough guy. They think I’m all like guns, guns guns, you know? But actually, I’ve always been really interested in the arts. I really dabbled with finger painting and crafts this year. Due to my extensive knowledge of the painting world, I knew I could combine my love of the arts with my love of guns.”

“The ‘No More Blood, Just Paint’ Initiative can be a wonderful movement,” he continued. “Through the NRA, we are creating specialized paintball guns so future gun shooters will get their anger out, without taking a life. On top of that, it would really help the shooters get in touch with their artistic side. It could give a new meaning to their lives.” He added, “Also, human bodies always make perfect canvases. I should know. I have firsthand experience.”

Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the NRA, backed up North’s initiative. “It’s brilliant,” he said. “I was a little skeptical at first, but then I joined the initiative myself when I found out my wife had cheated on me. With North’s support, I pulled out the ol’ paintball gun prototype and shot her a few times. I felt so much better afterwards that it actually strengthened our marriage. Now, I’m a new man.”

When asked how the NRA’s paintball gun prototype is different from others, North said, “Our guns are built just like the ones we make for the military. Just because it’s loaded with paint, doesn’t mean the frequency of the “bullet” is any slower than a real rifle. We really wanted to give the shooter the “full effect” of a real gun.” LaPierre then cut in and added, “We also have a variety of colors for the paint. My wife helped pick them out.”

Before the interview concluded, North added, “This is just the beginning for the NRA. We will have many more products to come. Just you wait.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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