Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 24 February 2019

image for Man Had Garden Fire That Very Nearly Went Wrong
Very nearly

Getting rid of the trash isn't easy, especially when there is no refuse collection service, but one man who decided to burn his rubbish in his garden was left ruing his decision, when the fire very nearly got out of hand.

Moys Kenwood, 55, informed his wife that he had reached the end of his tether about all the garbage laying around the back of their house, and that he was jolly well going to do something about it.

The remedial action was going to involve flames.

A complete lack of services in this part of the country means that trash that can't be dumped somewhere quiet, usually ends up on a fire, generally by the side of the main road, where the acrid smoke and toxic fumes can be enjoyed by all the local residents.

Kenwood collected about a million plastic bags, as well as sweet wrappers, crisp packets, milk cartons, styrofoam trays, discarded old clothing and broken flip-flops, cardboard boxes, small, used sachets of shampoo, plastic detergent bottles, some old pieces of wood, some broken guttering and a shitload of paper that had been flying around for months without anybody picking it up, and made a huge bonfire. Then, he waited for dark.

What happened next will be remembered for a long time. Kenwood lit the fire, and stood back admiring his handiwork. It wasn't long before a roaring blaze was roasting all the crap he'd collected earlier, and flames were licking upwards, in earnest - towards a banana tree.

Suddenly, the flames leapt from their correct position on the fire, to an incorrect position on the banana tree. Screams could be heard coming out of women's throats. Several bananas were rendered inedible. At one point, some bushes were under threat, and, from there, only a puff of wind would have been needed for the fire to engulf the house.

Eventually, the blaze was brought under control by people other than the firestarter, who had, by now, slunk off.

The fire brigade was not summoned, because there isn't one.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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