In Response to Opioid Crisis, Big Pharma Gets to Work on Developing Drugs that Can Be Taken All Day Every Day for Entire Lifetime without Fear of Addiction

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 28 March 2019

image for In Response to Opioid Crisis, Big Pharma Gets to Work on Developing Drugs that Can Be Taken All Day Every Day for Entire Lifetime without Fear of Addiction
Smerck's new "Forever" pills are safe for people to take daily over the course of a lifetime, without danger of addiction.

Facing criticism and high-stakes lawsuits from consumers alleging that drug companies intentionally hid the addiction risks of opioids, Big Pharma has announced that it’s gotten to work on developing new painkilling medications that can be taken all day, every day, for an entire lifetime, without any fear of addiction.

“We want people to know that we care, and that they shouldn’t have to do without taking drugs indefinitely and on a daily basis merely because they’re concerned about becoming addicted,” stated Smerck CEO Chester Garfield. “We don’t want people to have to take our drugs. We want them to want to take our drugs, to enhance their lives and numb the pain of everyday life.”

"We all suffer," he added.

Garfield went on to note that, in the meantime, for people already addicted to opioids, Smerck offers a whole host of medications that can ease withdrawal symptoms and help them transition to its newer, safer drugs.

And the United States government cares, too; President Donald Trump announced that the federal government will be providing $10 trillion in subsidies to make the newer, safer, daily-dose medications available to low-income Americans at extremely affordable prices.

“It’s time to get high on life,” said Trump. “But not addicted. The only thing people should be addicted to is making America great again.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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