Recovering Alcoholic 9/11 Truth Activist Can't Understand Why His Online Dating Profile Not Working for Him

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 27 March 2019

image for Recovering Alcoholic 9/11 Truth Activist Can't Understand Why His Online Dating Profile Not Working for Him
For his online dating profile, Kip (left) chose photos highlighting fun facts about himself, like his interest in 9/11 truth.

Kip Bartlow of Kansas City, Missouri, was confident that his refreshingly authentic online dating profile highlighting his courageous recovery from drug and alcohol addiction and his interest in probing deeper into the events behind the collapse of three World Trade Center buildings on September 11, 2001, would really hit home with women turned off by the plethora of superficial male profiles discussing walks on the beach and a vague love of nature, music, and/or travel - but, to his bafflement, he's found that his online dating profile has garnered him very little in the way of positive female attention.

"One woman wrote to me asking if I believed in aliens," said Kip. "I told her, umm, no. But I do believe in science. Never heard from her again."

Kip said that he also got a message from a woman in Minneapolis who asked him to send explicit photos of his "truth dick" so that she could show him how to go fuck himself for his lack of patriotism.

"I'm pretty sure that one wasn't a serious offer," said Kip.

While disappointed in the lack of romantic results thus far, Kip has vowed to stay true to himself in his self-description. "I could have talked about my graduate degree from Harvard or the software company I started that just went public, or I could have thrown up a bunch of silly photos of the Iron Man triathlon I just did where I broke the record for my age group," he said. "But that stuff is so dry! I wanted to lead with something a little more personal."

"And I do like walks on the beach," he added. "But again, that's neither here nor there."

All that being said, Kip isn't opposed to tweaking his profile to include other interests that might pique people's curiosity, like his recent decision to revisit the works of both Karl Marx and Ayn Rand.

"I figured why not toss in a few more fun facts," he said. "Worth a shot, right?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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