The pharmaceutical industry has come up with a new drug to combat the growing problem of reptile dysfunction.
“Reptile dysfunction is a serious problem in America,” said Doug Waxler, CEO of Philadelphia-based Addictive Pharmaceuticals Inc. “We see it as a growing epidemic that is drastically impacting America’s reptiles.”
Reptiles have become depressed and lethargic because no one likes them. Snakes are feared, lizards are seen as a nuisance, and turtles are often dismissed entirely, because they are slow. Alligators also feel they are getting a bad rap, because of the actions of a few bad apples who have eaten people whole.
As a result of being shunned, reptiles have become depressed and dysfunctional — they can’t perform their regular duties of sticking their tongues out, sneaking into screened in porches and basements, and slipping into swimming pools.
But this new drug, Repufab will “make your reptile fab”, as the marketing slogan goes.
While reptiles don’t typically have health care or money to buy drugs, they are going over the border into Mexico to get them for free. This is creating a Reptilian crisis at the border, as thousands of reptiles are trying to illegally cross into Mexico for drugs.
So to alleviate this problem, Americans are being urged to buy Repufab, and just leave the little green pills outside in their yards.
“Just spread those pills around your yard like you would grass seed,” said Waxler with Addictive Pharmaceuticals. “This way, the reptiles will get the drugs they need, we’ll make money for a made-up disease and crisis, and you’ll feel good about yourself for spending your money and doing your part.”