"I'm Looking For Somebody Who Is Sexually Experienced" Still Best Way Of Not Saying "I'm A Self-Absorbed, Insecure, Materialistic, Valueless Queen Who Needs My Crotch Pleased" on Dating Profiles

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 2 March 2019

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Michigan. With her complete lack of personality, values, or even the ability to look deep within herself and see her own personal flaws, Stephanie Greenfield, 39, got on a dating profile last week and began searching for her true love after ruthlessly shattering the hearts of three innocent men and destroying a few marriages.

Unable to leave the pleasure she receives from bossing people around and looking for "what's best for her," the reincarnation of Cleopatra proceeded forward in her journey to look for more money as well as the man with the biggest penis who could give her the undeniable pleasure that she truly deserves.

Finding the hallways of her past incomplete with only a few tortured souls, Stephanie remains a strong woman who still enjoys the cathartic feeling of "carving out her own destiny" while harshly judging everybody around her as she narcissistically places herself above humankind altogether.

Phrases like, "I need some time to think," and "I haven't found myself yet" worked well in the past, Stephanie told reporters.

"But, the ultimate thing I really miss, however, is when a nice man's heart splits in half, and he starts weeping," she stated.

"Because eyes are connected to the soul, you can also see the excruciating emotional pain that he goes through as he becomes hollowed out completely and the very essence of his being slowly descends into the cold, eternal abyss of darkness," she added.

Undisturbed by the carnage she has left behind, Stephanie found a wonderful boyfriend on Wednesday, updated her Facebook relationship status on Thursday, and even posted a 'selfie' later on that evening.

132 people liked it, 47 friends and relatives told her that she looked beautiful, and everybody was really happy for her.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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