London Hospital Denies Offering Sexual Favours from Nurses

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 1 February 2019

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Twiddle Muff, anybody?

Staff at a famous London hospital have been dismayed by an internal email which featured a team of beaming young nurses under the headline "Pick up a Twiddle Muff".

Ageing hospital administrator, Paxton Quigley, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Spoof "I opened my emails this morning, only to be confronted by this unsolicited offer. I must admit it, piqued my curiosity, not to say my interest, and I found it rather charming that these spirited young ladies should be so open about it, although I am not really sure it is appropriate behaviour. I will definitely take up their offer after work, if it's available out of office hours."

On being contacted by The Spoof, a spokeswoman for senior management went quickly into damage limitation mode with an explanation:

"Look, it's all perfectly innocent, and any misconceptions on the part of the recipients of this email are to be regretted.

"A Twiddle Muff is a knotted, crocheted fabric tube with accessories such as ribbons and buttons sewn on to them, specially made for patients with dementia. Twiddle Muffs help to ease agitation and calm the person’s mood by keeping their hands and minds occupied. These Twiddle Muffs have a positive effect on patients by keeping them comforted, as well as encouraging movement and brain stimulation.

"Our geriatric unit has made good use of Twiddle Muffs with their patients, and the staff are happy to provide some to other areas or wards at the Trust.

"If Mr Quigley wishes to have the use of a Twiddle Muff, then I am sure the staff will be glad to help him out. If he is looking for anything further, then we suggest that he negotiates this with the nurses on an individual basis outside of work."

Mr Quigley responded "I just love the way she keeps saying 'Twiddle Muff'. Little minx."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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