Janesville Resident Hopes To Keep Diarrhea After Making Some Necessary Lifestyle Changes

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 22 February 2019

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Rock County, Wisconsin. Doug Marten, 56, knew it was time to make some serious lifestyle changes after he fainted at work last week on Tuesday at 5:45 pm. With nearly 25 years of excessive caffeine consumption, chain smoking, unhealthy eating, and heavy alcohol drinking behind him, Mr. Marten had to acknowledge the harsh reality that he would have serious medical problems in the near future if he did not change his habits.

As a restaurant manager who is frequently under pressure, Doug made a promise to himself that he would find healthier ways to relieve his stress. Although he intends to replace coffee, hard liquor, and overeating with exercise and a proper diet, Mr. Marten confessed that he is still not ready to give up the violent and uncontrollable diarrhea that he has grown so accustomed to over the years.

Completely aware that his dependency on coffee, cigarettes, beer, hard liquor, and heavy eating had elevated his blood sugar and given him diarrhea back in 2002, Doug said that he is going to have the hardest time parting ways with the 'mental fogginess,' confusion, and severe anal leakage he always experiences while talking to customers.

Because giving up the things he loves the most will be difficult enough, the 56-year-old claimed that he may need "more time" before he is ready to let go of the familiar and comfortable feeling of having liquid feces fill up his pants, run down both of his legs, and even stain his socks and shoes.

And even though he feels prepared to adopt a healthier lifestyle, Mr. Marten still wants to keep his diarrhea for at least another few years before it goes away completely.

With full awareness that the road ahead would be challenging to say the least, the professional restaurant manager decided to give himself just one more weekend to fully enjoy all the things he deeply cherishes.

After eating three plates of deep-fried chicken wings with barbecue sauce, smoking four packs of cigarettes, and drinking half a bottle of Everclear, along with 18 cans of Miller Lite, Doug threw up so incredibly hard last Friday night that he passed out on top of his toilet seat.

When he woke up on Saturday, he also discovered that he had shit his pants.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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