General Motors Admits to Cutting as Coping Mechanism

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 5 February 2019

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While admittedly not a long-term solution, cutting has offered GM a temporary release of tension over the failing economy.

Automobile manufacturer, General Motors Company, headquartered in Detroit, recently admitted that, as an outlet for its mounting frustration regarding the failing economy and declining profits, the company has been engaging in the self-harming behavior of cutting, slashing thousands of GM workers.

Chief Executive Officer Mary Barra stated, “GM is not proud of its self-harming, but cutting has provided GM a momentary release of tension, which is tough to come by in these troubled times.”

CEO Barra acknowledged, of course, that, though offering a temporary reprieve from despair by shifting the company’s focus from emotional anxiety to physical sensation, the company's cutting of workers is typically followed by guilt, shame, and the return of painful emotions.

“But we just don’t know what else to do,” she said, finally coming clean to the press about the company’s cutting disorder. “We’d like to get some help, perhaps from the government, but until we get universal healthcare, or a bailout, that’s just not feasible.”

Barra noted that while the United States Supreme Court case Citizens United v. Federal Election Committee granted corporations rights typically reserved for humans, essentially making corporations equivalent to people, being a “person” has a real downside for companies like GM.

“Life is hard,” said Barra. “We all have to find ways to deal with it. For now, cutting is our best coping mechanism.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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