Grass Is Greener When It's Genetically Modified, Says Monsanto

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 22 May 2018

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Through its GM seeds, Monsanto promises a truly green shade of grass on golf courses in Africa, Arizona, and the world over.

According to global modern agricultural giant Monsanto Company, the grass is greener not on the other side, but when it's genetically modified - or so the company hopes.

“It's wrong that people sometimes are forced to golf on browning blades of grass,” stated Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant. “Through our cutting-edge genetic modification of living organisms, we intend to ensure that grass on golf courses the world over is as green as green can be.”

Grant added that without genetic modification of grass seeds, it is unlikely that a uniform, unvarying shade of green could ever be consistently achieved on golf courses in places like Arizona or Sub-Saharan Africa. “Our GM grass will improve quality of life for all golfers, whatever their ability," he pledged.

While Monsanto's efforts to develop a truly green grass have, until this point, proven less than successful, the company remains highly optimistic about its prospects for developing greener grass. “In parts of Kentucky, we've managed to produce a bluish shade of grass," noted Grant. "A greener shade of green is a just a step away."

In attaining this greenest of grasses, Monsanto has high hopes for a new genetic modification that will inject DNA from the blood of newborn babies into genes from red cabbage. Although there are no specific scientific data to support its conclusion, Monsanto predicts that the violent chemical interaction between the blood-red color of infant platelets and the magenta-colored anthocyanins in the red cabbage will result in the greenest shade of green ever to be seen.

“Fingers crossed, at least!” stated Grant. "If that doesn't work, we'll try also injecting some salmon DNA. When in doubt, add fish, right?"

In emphasizing the viability of its GM-grass-is-greener project, Grant pointed out that the Monsanto Company has an extremely solid history in producing green – and lots of it. “Our executives are rolling in it,” he noted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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