Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

image for Shoplifting Now UK's Fastest-growing Industry
Now, watch how she does this!

There was brighter news for industry today, when it was announced that, despite poor performances in nearly all the UK's industry sectors, there was one major area of growth - shoplifting.

Whilst energy, manufacturing, the services sector, financial services, aerospace, and construction continue to flounder, stealing from stores has soared to new, record-breaking levels, and the trend is set to continue.

Even the lucrative arms trade has started to stutter, but pilfering and nicking from shops forges ahead. And shoplifting has opened up the job market to unskilled workers who were hitherto considered 'unemployable', and fit only for the scrapheap. Now, many of those wasters are looking forward to a bright future.

One, Mick Idle, from Toxteth, Liverpool, said:

"I adn struggle douta bed since d'rriots, bu' now me future's looken rosy."

In Glasgow, Dougie McFinger, a 28-year-old fully-trained layabout, has been successfully 'taxing shops' since 2007, but says things are definitely becoming more competitive at the moment:

"Och, Jemmy! Et's fucken crazy at the minnet! Y'cannae move f'grifters - the rall over the fucken shops!"

Robin Hunt, spokesman for the National Union of Shoplifters (NUS), said:

"Membership of our organisation has gone from strength to strength, and risen steadily since the 2008 Credit Crunch. We're expecting bigger and better things next year as the other industries continue to suffer, and more people find it harder to make ends meet."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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