U.S Economy Crashes As Entire U.S. Male Workforce Over 40 Years Old Resigns Amid Sexual Assault Allegations

Written by David E. Wesley

Saturday, 22 December 2018

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USA —It was the great thunderous crash that nobody saw coming.

With the growing #MeToo movement sweeping across multiple industries and removing powerful men from their jobs (after they pressured women in their companies to perform sexual favors in exchange for promotions and other benefits), yesterday saw the entire U.S. economy crash, sending the stock market nosediving over 12,000 points when 5.7 million American men over the age of 40 resigned from their jobs amid sexual assault allegations.

Some women accused former male co-workers of sexual assault as far back as 32 years ago. With most cases being a “he said-she said” report, all accused men were denied due process and forced by their companies or a judge assigned to their case to immediately resign from their jobs and inform their employer.

All across the U.S.A, Human Resource offices were overwhelmed with preparing exit packages for millions of men, with one HR representative at Disney referring to it as a “masculine bloodbath.”

At the home offices of department store Kohl’s, the entire male Board of Directors was sent packing, leaving the future financial decisions of the company in chaos.

From the CFO at Applebee’s, to a few unnamed executives at Fox News, even renowned Hollywood filmmaker Cole Trenkins, who was accused by his ex-fiancée of placing his hand on her right thigh near her kneecap without permission, and saying “Baby, your skin is as smooth as silk shoelaces.”

There was some backlash against the firings even from women. Sally Connors, a radical feminist from Paramus, NJ, called it a “pointless witch hunt” and screamed out her window on Washington Avenue that the entire movement was like throwing additional horse shit on a 5 foot dung pile.

Sally also mentioned the countless number of female teachers that have been arrested over the last decade for sexually assaulting young boys, some as young as 10 years old, and how the MeToo Movement barely mentions those cases.

This is a developing story that will continue for the next 200 years.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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