Born-Again Baby in Boston

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 2 February 2019

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Robbie Fitzpatrick is the first in what some predict to be a trend toward more and more born-again babies.

In more a medical miracle than an instance of evangelical fervor, South Boston became the (double-)birthplace of the nation’s first ever born-again baby, Robbie Fitzpatrick.

While doctors are still struggling to pin down the scientific details. the chronology of events is relatively simple to understand. Courtney Fitzpatrick and her husband, Finn, conceived a child, Tara, who, it was later determined, was already pregnant with Robbie. Shortly before Tara’s own birth, she gave birth to Robbie, within Courtney’s womb. Minutes later, Robbie himself was born again, this time by Courtney. Courtney subsequently gave birth to Tara.

“We’ve heard about babies having babies,” commented obstetrician Allison Shea. “This was that to the extreme."

Shaking her head, attending nurse Theresa Cleary remarked, “The whole time, I was channeling the Willie Nelson song ‘I’m My Own Grandpa.’ Robbie and his mother have the same mother, so they’re also brother and sister. In fact, he’s actually a few minutes older.

While considering Robbie himself a blessing, Courtney Fitzpatrick does bemoan her daughter Tara’s loss of the chance to truly enjoy her youth. “Kids are just so precocious these days,” said Courtney. "They’re getting started younger and younger."

And for that reason, in an area like South Boston, with a large Irish-Catholic population that frowns on birth control and abortion, Dr. Allison Shea stated that she believes that Robbie is only the first in what she predicts will be an unfortunate trend toward more and more born-again babies.

In the Irish Catholic tradition, the Fitzpatricks held a christening for Tara a week after her birth. They did not do so for Robbie, however.

“We didn’t feel it was necessary to have Robbie baptized,” Courtney Fitzpatrick explained. “Since he’d already been born again.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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