Despite being encouraged to feel good about his essential role in the makeup of matter, an electron named Eli admitted to being a bit negative. “I really admire my comrade protons who have such a positive attitude,” said Eli. “And I greatly respe…
A new study conducted by the Quantum Institute of Life Theory strongly suggests that contrary to the feel-good mantra that everything happens for a (presumably divine) reason, in actual fact everything happens for no reason whatsoever. “It’s a lit...
A Tokyo man was jailed today for abducting the children's character Hello Kitty from a playground in Tokyo in May. The man Masahno Takakity had attempted to argue that his actions were justified as he was a scientist investigating the work of Erw...
After much deliberation, sharp points and millions of things that go 'pop', Bubble Wrap has once again been voted Top of the Pops. "It's fantastic news," said Brian Gigglesworth, head of the Bubble Wrap Federation of Cumbria and the UK. "This make...
An inside source has revealed that Stephen Hawking, the world renowned theoretical physicist who is confined to a wheelchair, has been "walking for several years now" and claims that the world is just too close-minded to observe it. The sourc...
The Curiosity Rover died yesterday while chasing an unidentified particle on Mars, the National Aeronautic and Space Agency reports. Physicists have not yet classified the particle that killed Curiosity, but photos NASA received shortly before he...
Scientists at Cambridge university have accidentally split the entire Universe into two. "We're very sorry," said Kate Bifur, professor of quantum theory at Cambridge. "It was an accident." According to the incident log, the split occurred at n...
The Higgs boson, the particle that has cost untold billions of dollars to detect, has potentially been discovered, just as the Cern scientists said it would be earlier in the year. The Hadron collider is due to be shut down at the end of the year...
Potatoes may not seem the most technological of food stuffs, with aubergines seeming more advanced, but a breakthrough at the University of Manchester's Institute of Science and Technology has propelled the humble spud into the limelight of technolog...
Showing photographs of the recently developed superconducting processor, IBM announced plans for eventual release of their new Quantum Computer. Engineers and scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, showed a vividly clear inter...
SWITZERLAND - The giant underground dangerous machine that may turn the earth into a black hole has given mankind some dividend, finally. After spending trillions of bailout money on the project, there is finally a use for the spin-off technology.
Dateline Bern, Switzerland, day after tomorrow: Quantum researchers exploring the bizarre world of "string theory", "quantum entanglements", "replicating clothes hangers" , "single socks" and other unexplained phenomenon which A.Einstein will one day...
Top government economists, borrowing from the field of quantum physics, have formulated a solution that is currently being implemented by Barack Obama to solve America's economic woes. Government economists suggest that our current crisis is being...
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) team at CERN are now enlisting volunteers who have home computers to contribute in the search for the Higgs boson. Details of the project, called LHC@home 2.0, can be found at http://lhcathome.web.cern.ch/LHCathome/Phy...
Scientists were simultaneously elated and confounded over the recent discovery of the smallest particle in the universe, as produced from the $10 Billion Proton Collider on the Swiss/French border. The source for all other particle creation, also de...
Cosmology's biggest mystery has been solved due to pioneering work at CERN. The Big Bang Theory predicts that the universe should contain equal quantities of matter and anti-matter. The fact that only matter had been observed led cosmologists to a...
Everything we think we understand as real is merely a holographic projection. So say boffins engaged in investigating nature at its most basic levels. The latest thinking in quantum theory was revealed to the viewing public in Monday night's Ho...
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