Nashville Man Resolves to Find True Resolve in 2019

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 30 December 2018

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With the dawning of the New Year, the historically ambivalent Christian Caldwell is determined to find true resolve.

After a lifetime of hemming, hawing, and beating around all kinds of bushes, Christian Caldwell of Nashville, Tennessee, has resolved to find true resolve by - or at least during - the New Year.

“No two ways about it," said Christian, his resolve apparent in the steely set of his jaw. "I've had it with talking out of one side of my mouth. This year, I’m going to walk the walk. Whatever that walk might be.”

Among the areas in which Christian has resolved to find true resolve is his faith – or lack thereof.

“As you might have guessed," he said, "I was raised Christian. But in high school I started questioning and ultimately came to identify as an atheist. Also sort of as a Buddhist. But I’m open to learning, so it could be I ought to describe myself as an agnostic.”

Christian went on to explain that he's even considered referring to himself as "spiritual, not religious,” in keeping with what seems to be a popular trend among people reluctant to commit to an organized religion, even though he's always considered that kind of a cop-out.

“But that's neither here nor there," he said. "The bottom line is that in 2019, I"m going to figure out the God thing for once and for all."

And once he does figure it out, says Christian, he's going to go all in - whatever that looks like. "Maybe I’ll even end up creating my own new religion," he said. "If that's what it takes, I'm willing."

The main point, emphasized Christian, is that he’s open to options – but he won't be for long. “Once I’m resolved, I won’t need to be open-minded or curious, because at that point, I’ll no longer be seeking. I’ll have found. That's really what it's all about."

He scratched his head, a thought clearly having occurred to him. “You know, on that note, maybe Buddhism isn’t the path for me, because from what I recall, they talk a lot about not knowing." He shook his head. “Anyway, regardless, I’ll figure it out." He smiled, his expression serene. "And if I need help - which I'm pretty sure I will at some point - I know Jesus will help me.”

Of course, Christian was quick to clarify, his soon-be-found true resolve won’t be limited to the realm of religion. “I also want to start eating a healthy breakfast on a regular basis. Either that, or really commit to intermittent fasting.”

He nodded pensively to himself. "When you think about it," he pointed out, "the word ‘resolve’ is just saying ‘re-solve.’ Meaning that these problems have already been figured out once – by me or possibly by Jesus. The answers are within me. I just need to access that solution."

With a confident grin, he stated, "Yeah, I feel good about this New Year. Really good. The purpose-driven life - there's just nothing like it.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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