Man farts in elevator; elevator breaks down

Written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 2 January 2019

image for Man farts in elevator; elevator breaks down
The assailant's wolf mask also suggests the issue is a form of "political speech"

Already heralded as an omen for the new year, today’s incident in a major American city (anonymous in this report) has brought significant developments.

That the elevator was also crowded has added to how to respond to the problem.

Numerous questions have led on to keen interest at learning institutions all over the world and possible discussion at UN Headquarters.

The male involved was relatively young, in his forties, leading to the question of whether his activating “the gas” was deliberate or accidental.

This is the key question according to Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Trump’s lawyer, and he brings in Julian Assange to the discussion.

Mr. Giuliani points out Mr. Assange was merely being a reporter--i.e. doing his job, as with Mr. Ellsberg decades ago.

If we are to persecute Assange, we align ourselves with authoritarian countries such as Saudi Arabia, where criticism of the government invites the lash or the bone saw.

Mr. Giuliani continues: The man-in-the-elevator’s indiscretion (and apparently it was sustained, with a good deal of sound) is entirely natural.

However, scholars point out this response does not embrace the vital question.

The vital question is whether this in elevator flatulatus response is a critical response, falling under the protection of The First Amendment.

According to Mr. Giuliani what happened in the elevator is directly analogous to wikileaks.

Further complications and insurance issues are indicated because medics had to be summoned, especially after the elevator broke down (for 40 minutes) between floors 29-30.

Injuries are, as yet, unclear.

The Supreme Court, led at this time by Justice Kavanaugh, who is particularly sensitive to these kinds of issues/issuances, is keen to look into this case.

Historically relevant is a 1919 Supreme Court Case in which Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes pronounced: “No one has the right to shout fire in a crowded auditorium.”

The in flatulatus syndrome as political speech thus presents a new weapon in the arsenal of democracy.

Further, Mr. Bezos, of Amazon, has already said a product is available and can be delivered within a few days to interested customers.

A tiny gas mask can be whipped quickly out of a pocket or purse and applied to the nose.

The device also has an ear attachment by which the customer can program in music while he/she must wait through the ordeal.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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