A lottery ticket holder has scooped the largest jackpot in US history, and it just so happens that the "mystery winner" is none other than US "President" Donald J. Trump.
Mega Millions Group director, Gordon Mendacious, said, "The moment we've been waiting for finally arrived, and we couldn't be more excited to have President Trump as the winner."
The jackpot numbers were: 28, 70, 5, 62, and 65, with a Mega Ball of 5. The odds of choosing those numbers were said to be one in more than 300million, and Mega Millions confirmed there was one winner for the whopping $1.6bn prize.
People had been lining up at service stations and stores nationwide, spending their meagre wages in the vain hope of winning the huge prize. When news of the win was released, the National Guard was called out in cities all over the US to put down riots.
An exhausted and frazzled White House spokesperson told the assembled alcohol-sodden press corps, "Don't quote me on this, but the president says he doesn't give a fuck about all you losers. Somebody had to win, and he deserves it for all the sacrifices he's made for his country. I am so fed up with all this shit. Does anybody here want this job?"