WASHINGTON D.C.: Republicans unveiled a controversial tactic in their attempt to win the 2018 election.
Senator Mitch McConnell told CNN, “We gained five points in the polls when we implied that Democrats should not have heads if they take back the Congress. So we've decided to hunt and kill them to ensure total control. Rand Paul is going to wear Al Franken's skin just in case someone decides that they would rather be cured of the flu than live.”
When pressed for further information, McConnell pulled out a flamethrower and set the press corps on fire. “This may seem unorthodox, but CNN is too busy letting S.E. Cupp explain how God gave the world AIDS because of Michael Avenatti. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to flood Kentucky with chicken broth and eat my family, because pretending to be civil is giving me a headache, and my wife is made of meat.”
Senator Paul Ryan was reading manga in the House Chamber. “It turns out that there are people who make money by writing comics about women being raped for months until they fall in love with the attacker,” Ryan explained. “This is horrible! We have been far to nice to these 'women.' I'll call Trump to airlift these scholars over, and nuke the rest of the country in case someone thinks women deserve to hear the word, 'please,' After all, you don't want that dangerous rhetoric to spread.”
Donald Trump was in the Oval Office, furiously launching nuclear warheads. “Those filthy liberals and those who dare oppose them shall... shall... go kablooey... in a huge... HUGE... way,”
The chief of police commented, “This anarchy seems to be doing well for Republicans, so we're going to give it a shot! We're dispensing with the laws and procedures and common sense, just like our good role model, Donald Trump. We're shooting every non-White person in sight, because fear is justifiable homicide. 'OH MY GOD! A COFFEE SHOP!'” He then proceeded to open fire at Starbucks.
Though hospitals were flooded, doctors were not lifting a finger to help. “This 'Getting Paid to Do Nothing' seems be going swimmingly for the mainstream media, except for that Rachel Maddow lunatic with her 'journalistic integrity' and 'Honest Work for Honest Pay' nonsense. But that's what happens when you're homosexual. So we decided that we'd rather play 'Doom' all day instead of cure patients. But we're not heartless! We remembered that, when you stop doing your job, comedians pick up the flak. So we've decided to ask Weird Al Yankovich to remove bullets from 6-year-old Mindy's wounds. He doesn't know anything about medical care, but he's willing to do anything to please his fans. And maybe if Daniel Tosh plays enough videos, Larry will be able to walk again!”
Jake Tapper lounged in his dressing room, wearing Bermuda shorts. “I am in the middle of an important expose,” he stated. “I'm looping footage of President Trump throwing flaming nuns at Planned Parenthood while laughing maniacally and stomping on Michael Moore's head. Now either fetch me a margarita or go fuck yourself.”
David Brooks stated, “The entire Republican party has decided that waiting 20 years was too long to eradicate the human race, so they've decided to start now. And they'll detonate Earth's core if a liberal gets a singe vote. However, Chuck Schumer thinks his constituents deserve oxygen. So both sides are the same! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink my own piss and eat a whole box of crayons, because that's what geniuses like me do.”
The New York Times then pelted David Brooks with bags of money, hamburgers, and bikini-clad supermodels.
Meanwhile, in Sega America, Jon Oliver was working furiously while Team Sonic was staring at a bottle of glue, complaining that Sonic was moving too fast, and that someone should give Sonic ankle-weights. “The entire video game industry has decided to forsake their jobs. After all, once Republicans announced that they were going to kill everyone to win an election but decided that Kanye West was a more pressing priority, reality stopped to matter. And it's hard to tweak 'Mega Man X9' when your lungs are on fire. Team Sonic forgot that they created a genius. Perhaps this Tails fellow might have cures for nuclear radiation and insanity.”
And from the depths of time and space, Hazama Honoka watched the Republicans destroy the entire planet and decided, “So that was my problem... I was too smart to succeed. No wonder Bang Shishigami outsmarted me. Hindsight is always 20-20, but when video game designers decide that geniuses don't need to be smart, sometimes it's difficult to learn the morals. Not existing will complicate my plans, but if God, Jesus, and Elvis can find loopholes, maybe I can figure something out.”
And God, who decided not to exist, because when humans respond to Jesus saying, “Love thy neighbor,” and “Thou shalt not kill,” they responded by crucifying and murdering him, decided that, yes, he was the Alpha and Omega, but just in case, he better not pick a fight with people who decide that murdering gods is an acceptable alternative to saying “Thank you” to a woman, muttered to himself, “If I had to do this all over again, I'd probably invent common sense on the first day. I'm going to pass on the men thing, because a life form that reacts to politeness and intelligent with murderous rage sends a mixed message. Capcom seemed to be onto something with these Reploids. The Sigma Virus won't be a problem if I don't create it, so maybe a planet with women that think using brains is a good thing, and robots that decide that free will is nice and that a planet should be protected instead of the backdrop of a horror movie might work out. And maybe this time, I won't have to watch my son murdered, so that would be a plus. But just in case, I'll pre-emptively smite Zeus, so he doesn't treat my work like Tinder. And with Hera single, maybe I'll help her out, because spending a few centuries married to a selfish prick hurts, so I'll let there be rose baths and strawberries and cream.”
