Written by K.C. Bell

Sunday, 7 October 2018

image for Convicted Sex Offenders Demand FBI Investigations

The clean bill of health given by the FBI to Brett Kavanaugh has opened a fresh can of worms filled with convicted sex offenders who are also demanding new four day FBI investigations to clear their collective names.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has immediately recused himself from such a request, sighting that he was too busy, and once again bounced the request to acting attorney general Rod Rosenstein. What acting attorney general Rod Rosenstein said was a rebuke in two words. The first word was “Aaaa,” and the second word rhymes with twit, or sort of close.

He went on to add that it was like he needed another gigantic, “Pain in the ———.” Rhymes with mass.

Sex offenders demanded the same kind of justice given to Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh because not only do they insist that they are also innocent of false accusations, but that the false accusations have ruined their lives, and the lives of their family, and lastly because they like beer.

The FBI decided to ignore the demands of the sex offenders until Michael Avenatti stepped boldly into the fray. Holding a press conference in front of Brett Kavanaugh’s home, Avenatti announced he would take this issue all the way up to the Supreme Court, and if Kavanaugh votes against the four-day investigation for sex offenders, it would be grounds for impeachment.

Kavanaugh was spotted peeking out of the window finishing off his 8:25 am beer. The FBI was called in to clear off the street.

Ronan Farrow showed up on his ten-speed singing, Luck Be A Lady Tonight, and questioned the FBI clearing the street, asking whether they were presently employed as Kavanaugh’s cabana boys. Farrow was immediately arrested and demanded to be represented by acting attorney general Rod Rosenstein.

“%$#*&#@^%$.”

Meanwhile, in jails throughout the United States, sex offenders were being signed up by the Avenatti team, and Kavanaugh was on his 9:00 am beer. Wandering about the White House with toilet paper still stuck to his shoe, Trump inquired where Melania was hiding.

He was told she was in Africa spreading, Be Best.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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