Flat President theory gains support

Tuesday, 18 September 2018


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Melania irons her body every day to be able to continue her relationship with the bizarre president

Presidents attract conspiracy theories like dung attracts flies. Some dung is more popular than others, and a growing group of oddball truth-seekers are claiming that President Trump is actually flat.

Geoff Hoax, 45 and unemployed of Tennessee, is a firm believer. "If you look at him, you can see he has no depth. He doesn't behave like a three-dimensional human being. You don't need any more proof than that, clearly the President is flat."

Look online for "flat president theory" and you will find hundreds of videos about the subject, from supporters and debunkers. Some people, attempting to disprove the theory, say that they have seen the far side of the president, but their claims are usually rubbished by the Flat Presidenters.

The President of the Flat President Society, Jeffrey Flatt, becomes quite irate when I ask him to prove the president's flatness. "If the President is not flat, then how do you explain his lack of a shadow?" rages Flatt. "Note that I'm not saying that he is thin. He's clearly overweight, but he is also flat. That's why he has to wear a wig."

The Flat President Society have proposed that Trump reveal his birth certificate to prove he is not flat.

In related news, Stormy Daniels has revealed in her tell-all biography that Trump's penis is "completely flat, like a tiny sock."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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