Written by El Capitaz

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

image for Studies confirm; fantasy football leading cause of mental illness
Mike “The Lizzard of Oz” McNiel, seen here going through his pre-draft ritual

On the cusp of the 20018-2019 season, the NFL has released the results of a study focusing on the detrimental long-term affects of fantasy football gaming; participating in fantasy football is found to increase the risk of serious mental illness by 20,000 percent. Dr. Seymour Brown summarized.

“Our studies concluded that, first, fantasy football tends to attract persons with borderline personality disorders—let’s face it, the term ’fan’ well as ‘fantasy’ is directly related to ‘fanatic’ or ‘fanatical’ but what’s interesting is that the stress of the competition acts as a trigger, bringing out latent psychosis.”

Dr. Brown elaborated on one case study which exemplified the issue.

“We followed a fantasy football league called ‘The Bug Eaters’ which was started by a man with a long history of aberrant behaviors, self identifying as ‘The Lizzard of Oz’, and the members of this league present a shocking array of mental illness, from severe depression to mania and split personality. In looking at this group, paranoia and narcissism are almost prerequisite characteristics. Only a couple have managed to avoid breaking from reality—their number one symptom is denying reality, and refusing to recongnize the superior strategic skills of The Crazy Train Express. Recognizing the domination of The Crazy Train will be a necessary first step in the recovery process.”

Friends and family of fantasy football gamers were encouraged to conduct an intervention before the season starts, by which time it’s usually too late to help them. And anyone who passes on Todd Gurley with the 1st pick of their draft is encouraged to seek a complete lobotomy.

“If they pass on Gurley, for Bell or even sometimes for Aaron Rogers—believe it or not we see that—then they are a hopeless case.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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