Donald Trump has announced he is preparing legislation to make telling the truth a federal offence, punishable by 10 years in solitary confinement.
Trump's Press Secretary Faken Ewssucks made the announcement from the White House this morning, "The President has decided there is far too much truth that he disagrees with. This has made it harder for him to make America great again and again. So it's time to make it hard for everyone to tell the truth so he can just get on with governing."
This afternoon, following a state visit to Stormy Daniel's Pink Pussycat Sports Club in New Orleans, the President addressed a small gathering of the local press on the steps of the club and explained his new policy further.
"You know, for a very, very long time I could do whatever I wanted. Hire, fire, harass, bully, bankrupt folks, turn farms into golf courses and grab women by the pussy. This is the Land of the Free after all, just as long as you're filthy rich and white. And no one ever complained. No one complained, it was all very very nice 'n' easy, well apart from when Stormy and a couple of other troublemakers complained about the fees I paid them to not tell the fake lies.
"But we’re surrounded by the Mexicans, the Russians, the Chinese, the Swiss, the Jews and the Muslims. Worse still, we’re surrounded by a tsu, tsnam, … a very, very big wave, of fake news, including real lies, fake lies, real truth, fake truth, alternative fake facts, alternative real and fake lies, and a lot of other stuff I don’t like the look of, and can't pronounce.
"So I'm here to tell you good people that if I'm gonna make America great again, it's my way or the highway. My new laws will be very fair, very, very fair. Ivanka used to tell me I'm a very good judge of the truth, and I agree with her. It's easy, very, very easy. The truth is whatever I agree with, and that's something I learned from other great Americans like Hitler and Pol Pot.
"I can't wait until I get this new ‘Trump’s Truth Law’ through the Senate and Congress. It’s going to be a very, very good law, and I know you’re gonna like it. God Bless America.”
Trump left New Orleans shortly after to start his visit to Australia, but turned the plane back halfway there because he’d forgotten to take his hairbrush. The Australian visit has been postponed indefinitely, or until Canada invades the U.S., whichever happens first.