Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 9 June 2018

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The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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“Dick Peter’s Solid Wood, Inc.” is proudly known as the nation’s 57th leading producer of outdoor decking and household furniture. Their plant locations in every state use only the most superior lumber in order to create decking material as well as sturdy wood furniture items such as tables, chairs, cabinets, bookcases, dressers, desks, foot-stools, work benches, hand-rails, countertops, gun racks, microwaves, tread-mills, shower curtains, toasters, living-room rugs, and bean bags.

“Dick Peter’s Solid Wood, Inc.” is a Company that consists of factories that operate “year-round” to efficiently and effectively utilize and mix wood flour, grain pellets, and various other components together in order to form, squeeze, and push out their best material.

Assistant Company President, Mr. Kahn S. Tipate, says that employees must continually exert a tremendous amount of effort so that the final products are solid and in one piece without containing a lot of cracks and crevices. Mr. Kahn S. Tipate also claimed that he has to continually remind plant supervisors that material with cracks and crevices will snap in half under pressure.

Company Founder and President, Dick Peter, otherwise affectionately known as “Big Dick,” has just proudly announced the successful promotion of Mr. Richard Longfellow to the position of Plant Manager.

Richard Longfellow used to work in the office processing orders and conducting interviews with potential employees. He was interviewing a young, attractive, female college graduate for an entry-level administrative position when the words, “I have a deep yearning to stick my face in between your soft, luscious, massive knockers before pulling out my huge rod and making wild, passionate love to you in a cheap hotel,” accidentally slipped out of his mouth. (After saying that, he stared at her cleavage for several minutes while drooling all over himself.)

Instead of permanently removing Richard from his position with the Company, he was asked to temporarily resign and attend 9 weeks of sexual harassment training. When he came back, however, he interviewed a really cute blonde for an office position in the shipping and receiving department, and he made the same mistake again.

“We didn’t want to pull Richard out completely, so we decided to insert him into a new position in the hopes that he would be a better fit,” said Big Dick.

Richard Longfellow has now successfully served as Plant Manager for the past 3 weeks. His profoundly short temper and the complete lack of patience he displays when working with people who are not young, attractive females with beautifully exposed cleavage has actually worked extremely well as the company is currently overwhelmed with shipping demands and orders.

During his first week as Plant Manager, one of the operating lines shut down due to a mechanical failure. When Bob, the line operator, came up to Richard’s office and asked him what to do, Richard punched him in the face and then hurled him off of the top floor balcony. Bleeding, bruised, and partially crippled, Bob crawled back to the operating line and eventually fixed the problem himself.

The next day, a maintenance mechanic came up to Richard and claimed that the composite decking boards were coming out crooked because there was a sophisticated malfunction in one of the pelletizing tanks leading to the heating and cooling system of the operating machine that keeps the boards in straight formation.

Richard expressed his dissatisfaction by grabbing one of the crooked boards and breaking it in half. “SOPHISTICATE THIS!” Richard said as he whipped his fist into the maintenance mechanic’s stomach and then listened to him cry for a little while before pushing him over a nearby work bench and jamming one of the halves of the crooked board up his ass.

“IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT WE KEEP THE PRODUCTION PROCESS GOING! CORPORATE MEMBERS ARE COMING TO VISIT THE PLANT NEXT WEEK, AND THEY DON’T NEED TO SEE MISSHAPEN BOARDS! THERE’S MONEY INVOLVED HERE, GOD-DAMNIT!!”...Richard bellowed fiercely before grabbing the injured mechanic and throwing him into the pelletizing tank that had the supposed malfunction.

Immediately after that, Richard stormed over to the Packaging Department in a furious rage that could only be described as completely psychotic and terrifying.

Todd, one of the lead supervisors, claimed that he was exhausted with all of the shipping demands that were coming in and that he was also running out of supplies.

Frustrated, sweating from the forehead, and extremely angry, Richard responded by jumping into a forklift and driving it toward him at full speed. After Todd was ruthlessly impaled through the chest by one of the sharp and unforgiving metals bars, Richard raised the forklift to its top level.

“I HOPE THAT WILL ELEVATE YOUR CONFIDENCE!”...Richard screamed hideously before jumping out of the forklift, throwing numerous wooden pallets around in a massive cyclone of animalistic intensity, and then shooting a random assembly-line worker directly in the face with a staple gun for making a comment about a foot-ball team that he doesn't like.

No further complaints were heard from the Packaging Department since.

Last week, he caught a newly-hired employee outside on an unscheduled cigarette break.

“I’m tired,” the employee claimed.

Richard solved the employee's problem by ripping a board off of a nearby picnic table, smashing him in the face with it, dragging his limp body out into the parking lot, and then running over his head with the left wheel of a truck.

“NO! NOW YOU’RE TIRED!” Richard coldly exclaimed before driving to the front part of the building and beating the shit out of an office worker who accidently clocked in 3 minutes too late.

“We are so proud of Richard Longfellow’s success as Plant Manager” said human resources assistant, Ms. Runny Stool.

“We are also very proud to say that our Company has had a very productive year. In the past 12 months, we’ve only had 6 major shut-downs and 4 lay-off periods. In addition to that, only 7 people have been decapitated in our main facility over the past 5 weeks. We’re moving forward and upward!”

“Dick Peter’s Solid Wood, Inc.” currently has positions available….

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Local




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