Carnivorous Weightlifter Finds a "Vegan" Diet that Works for Him

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

image for Carnivorous Weightlifter Finds a "Vegan" Diet that Works for Him
Not interested in standard vegan fare, like broccoli? Ramey's "vegan" diet could be just what you're looking for.

Eight months ago, 380-pound competitive powerlifter Craig Ramey, in a quest to pack on more muscle, adopted an entirely carnivorous diet, consisting solely of meat and eggs, occasionally coupled with cheese. That, together with a rigorous steroid regimen, paid off big-time for Ramey – he's now bigger than ever, tipping the scales at a dense 405 pounds.

While immensely pleased, overall, with the results of his dietary shift, Ramey did grow mildly concerned about his worsening sleep apnea, constipation and skyrocketing triglycerides. “My cholesterol is high, too,” noted Ramey, “but I'm actually very happy about that. People don't realize it, but our bodies run on cholesterol. To me, being in the two-hundred-fifty-plus range is a pro, not a con.”

Nevertheless, after learning about the proven digestive advantages and anti-inflammatory effects of a plant-based diet, Ramey became intrigued. He briefly considered going traditionally vegan, but was concerned about maintaining his preferred intake of protein and fat. However, after some brainstorming with his buddies at the gym - and a private consultation with celebrity podcast host and former MMA fighter Joe Rogan - Ramey conceived of the perfect solution: he'd adopt not a traditional “vegan” diet, but, rather, a diet of vegans.

“It's the perfect solution for someone like me,” raved Ramey. “It's the best of both worlds – you get the benefits of both a plant-based diet and a carnivorous diet.”

But wait a second - does this mean that Ramey has become a cannibal? That he now eats ... people?

Ramey chuckled at the inquiry. "Yeah, that's a question I get a lot. No, I haven't eaten any human vegans - yet. But there are lots of vegan animals. Deer, for one. Elephants, rhinos, hippos, bison. Granted, the more exotic stuff can get a little expensive, so this diet might not be sustainable for everyone. But for me, it's worth it.”

Ramey noted that, to his disappointment, standard factory-farmed beef does not fall within his new dietary guidelines because beef cattle are frequently fed ground fish meal, meaning that they're not technically vegan.

"Sometimes I cheat a little there, though," he admitted.

Ramey said that making the shift from his carnivorous diet to his new vegan lifestyle was surprisingly painless.

"I found that adapted really quickly," he said. "And I feel really good about how I'm helping the planet by eating green. It's truly a win-win.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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