BILLINGSGATE POST: You have probably heard the phrase, "faster than pizza going through a dog." Well, students from a high school in Denver, Colorado concocted a science project to find out how fast that was; an experiment where they tracked how long it took to induce a 26 inch long Dachshund to expel a large slice of Chicago style pepperoni pizza through his alimentary canal.
A three year old Dachshund named Wilmer was chosen for this experiment because the students found it easier to measure the length from the dog's mouth to its puckered little ass with a straight-edged yardstick.
While compiling information, one of the students had read that the record for this type of activity had been set by an Irish Wolfhound named Kelly back in 1997. Known for its unusually quick metabolism, this dog was reported to have wolfed down a double order of bangers, passing it in a putrid liquid consistency exactly 67 seconds after ingesting the greasy sausages.
Using the equation T= V x L (Time = Velocity X Length), which is the standard diarrhea measurement formula for dogs; because dogs come in various lengths from mouth to ass, they hypothecated that the smaller Dachshund would have to pass the pizza in less than 60 seconds to beat Kelly's record, not an easy feat under any circumstances.
Little Wilmer, who the students had allowed only water for the past two days, was licking his chops when he smelled the pizza. It seems he loved pepperoni and cheese. In all of 12 seconds he had devoured the pizza and the rest is history. With the students cheering him on, he started running around in circles until he ran out of gas. Then with a evil smile, he squatted on the linoleum floor of the science lab and squirted out the pizza in a reddish hued bile liquid that smelled less of mozzarello than pepperoni.
This in a little less than 57 seconds, a record that hopefully will stand for years. Miss Hollenfarts, their science teacher, gave them all an "A" for their project.
NEWS FLASH! Little Wilmer's diarrhea record was broken by a female Beagle named Poozle.
Owner Zach Weedleton of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, who named his Beagle "Poozle," claims that his little female wolfed down a large slice of Costco Pepperoni Pizza and passed it through her alimentary tract in a new World record of 54.6 seconds, beating Little Wilmer's record by 2.4 seconds.
Poozle was given that name by his owner who claims that he was inspired by Randle McMurphy, a character in the novel, "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest," who stated that, "I mean, whoever heard of a man gettin' too much poozle?"
Now the pride of Beaver Crossing, Poozle is recovering from her bout of diarrhea, but still wagging her tail as she basks in the glory of her new record. Guinness Records is in the process of validating all measurements and times. If all goes well, Little Poozle's record will appear in the 2018 Guinness Records Edition.