The Growing Diversity of 'Service Animals' Reaps Havoc Across America

Funny story written by Dante Liberatore

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

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Service Dogs have been assisting the blind and deaf for over a 100 years. But the growing list of creatures being used to assist people with an expanding inventory of handicaps has set off a deluge of dangerous situations across America.

An example of this occurred in Kissimmee, Florida when Edna Polanski walked into a Waffle Hut with Bandit, her 'Diabetic Alert Hyena', specifically trained to notify its handler to potentially deadly spikes in blood sugar.   

"My Diabetic Alert Hyena demonstrated nothing but affection during training", Mrs. Polanski said while on the phone with her lawyer. "So at the Waffle Hut, I was surprised as anyone when Bandit bit the cashier, terrorized two waitresses and depleted the restaurant of all its maple syrup." 

Mayhem also took hold when Harold Jenkins strolled into a Toys R' Us in Madison, Wisconsin with Drago, his Emotional Support Kimono Dragon, qualified to provide its master with relief from anxiety, depression and other psychological disorders.

"I know that my Emotional Support Kimono Dragon caused a lot of chaos in the store when he bit through his chain and decided to go for a stroll", Mr. Jenkins said while Drago relieved his PTSD. "But then again, the lizard would have behaved properly if the little brats in the store didn't bombard him Power Ranger action figures."

The American public was also put at risk when Batuk Kapoor walked into Big Tony's Jumbo Wedges in Fresno, California with Slinky, an Allergy Alert Black Mamba, skilled to alert their handler of any life-threatening allergens that may be in the area.
"When I walked into the sandwich shop," Mr. Kapoor said while snake charming Slinky back into his basket, "I had no idea he would wrap himself around Big Tony's neck - sending the poor man crashing into his delectable array of Italian meats. But praise Vishnu," he rejoiced. "..because my Severe Allergy Alert Black Mamba did not release any venom when he bit Mr. Tony six times on his face, allowing me to continue enjoying my Big Tony's 'Mozzarella Madness' hero, which, by the way, was superb." 

A final 'service animal' calamity occurred when Sharon Kennedy lost Killer, a Mobility Support Tiger, at a Six Flags Amusement park in Flagstaff, Arizona - sending hundreds of horror-stricken fun-seekers running for their lives. 

"I'll admit that Killer was extremely aggressive towards everyone in his path," Miss Kennedy said while trying to remove an amusement park goose from her tiger's mouth. "But you'd be very upset too if there wasn't a single ride at Six Flags you were tall enough to get on."

When we tried to reach the American Association of Service Animals for a comment regarding the increasing dangers posed by the bevy of new creatures aiding humans, but they were unable to speak to us because they were in the middle of training a 'Seizure Response Hippopotamus'.  

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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